Judge not, lest I get irritated

I hear the common refrains all the time, over and over.
“Isn’t it a little late in the day for that?”
“I never drink coffee after lunch, I’d be up all night.”
“Wow, how much coffee do you drink in a day?”
First off, stop. Stop coffee-shaming me. My coffee my choice. Secondly, your coffee consumption habits can go kick rocks. If you want to grab a coffee with me, great! If not, shut the flapping hole in your face.
Recently, I came to the stuttering realization that, much like the ozone, a hole was being burned into my stomach (probably). I was guzzling way too much coffee, at all the wrong times of the day, and it just wasn’t good. I needed to change.
So, I stopped drinking it. This was maybe two weeks ago.
I had some black tea that I got over at Churchill’s (named for the British guy who beat the Germans). That was okay, a couple of strategically placed cups a day took just enough of the edge off. I drank ungodly quantities of water.
This was great for two days.
On the third day, I’ll never forget it. I met my colleague Steffan ‘Step’ Howey for breakfast for an interview with a gentleman who was, coincidentally, British. The conversation went great, at first. Casual, talked about the job, talked about his experience, etc etc. All the right things.
Then suddenly I started losing the thread connecting my thoughts. I found myself interrupting to speak, and then just staring at the table or stuttering until Step saved me from myself. My vision started swimming. My tongue felt thick and heavy. I had the barely-containable urge to get up and run straight for the door.
I needed coffee.
I don’t know how the hell caffeine works, or how long it stays in your system, but three days is just the right of time for me to lose my everloving mind. English breakfast black tea is just not enough. When we got back to the office after the meeting, I slugged directly from the Keurig spout. I felt like I had just climbed Everest, like I won the Nobel Prize, like I was holding a Pulitzer.
Coffee saved me.
Addiction is fine, really
I don’t feel bad about having a crippling addiction to coffee/caffeine. Some people battle with real addictions to things that ruin lives. All mine is going to do is probably give me a heart attack in my early 40’s. I accept that. That’s a decision I have made willingly. Until then, I get to live with these great benefits:
- High energy
- Enhanced creativity
- Intermittent excruciating stomach pains
- Reason to meet people for coffee
- Lack of sleep / utter exhaustion when not drinking it
- Cheaper than drugs! Typically!
The moral of the story here is that we all have our vices. I’m buying into mine wholly.
jdb
