Thanks for the broken TV, Amazon

All I wanted to do was watch Miss Congeniality 2, featuring Sandra Bullock. Instead, I am packing up a broken television and schlepping it to my landlord’s office to be picked up by UPS.

Thanks a million, Jeff Bezos.

One of the best things about shopping on Amazon is that when you find a great deal on a television, you start thinking “Wow, this would be a great television to watch Miss Congeniality 2, featuring Sandra Bullock!” And then you buy it. In those few short days while Jeff Bezos personally packs your new, discounted television into a box and has it shipped directly to your landlord, life has the potential to be perfect.

You can’t wait to have FedEx deliver your new off-brand television a day late to your landlord so that you can get it home, unpack it, and watch Miss Congeniality 2, featuring Sandra Bullock, in the comfort of your living room.

Instead of that idealized version of this barren hellscape we call “Life” you are now staring at the blank, darkened face of your old, completely unhooked and unpowered television which you already promised to your friend. You may be imagining Sandra Bullock’s snarky sneer on a 55” 4k TCL television in the film Miss Congeniality 2, but that’s all it is: imagining.

There’s no way to watch it. Well, you could move all of the cords and cables back to where the old television sits dejected on it’s articulating wall mount and plug them back in, but you won’t. Instead you’ll let it blandly gaze at you from the wall, no sign of any FBI agents engaged in beauty pageant hijinx.

The moral of the story is that you should always put a note on your orders directed to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, so he knows when he is personally packing your items for shipment, to not ship them if they are completely shattered and unwatchable.