They are building the wall in the wrong place

I have just discovered that Trump is going to actually Build That Wall! And I’ve also learned that he’s going to build it over 1,300 miles farther south than we thought. Apparently, he’s tacking this monolithic human flesh levee onto the ass-end of Texas for some reason.

All this time I had thought they were going build this mighty beacon of American Freedom along the southern border of Ohio, at the Ohio River, to keep us in Cincinnati safe. From Kentucky.

How wrong I was.

According to a cursory googling, The Wall is going to be 1,933 miles long. That’s the entire length of the US-Mexico border, folks. I am not sure how long the border is between Ohio and it’s Mason-Dixon-esque southern neighbor, but it’s a h*ck of a lot less miles than 1,933. Apparently it is being designed to keep the Spanish-speaking peoples of Mexico from crossing the border into the United State of Texas.

Who is going to pay for all these extra miles of Wall that we suddenly need? Who gives a shit about Texas?

Why Mexico? Why not Kentucky?!

If I had to count on my fingers and toes the number of times I have been accosted on the street by an illegal Mexican immigrant, I would never touch any of my fingers or toes. If I had to count how many times a dirty maroon 2001 Chevy Malibu with white-and-blue Kentucky plates spilled it’s mangy occupants onto my street to terrorize my neighbors, it would be at least twice.

Possibly the governor of Kentucky, and some guy and some kid. Credit.

This has to stop. I don’t know why the good, hardworking citizens of Ohio should be subjected to the occupants of a state whose only claim to fame is a really long zipline course at a religious fundamentalist park that claims Jesus rode dinosaurs to work.

Every day we’re letting good, wholesome, American Cincinnatians be subjected to those fetid street-shufflers from ‘south of the river’. The situation is untenable. It’s unreasonable. Why should a people who don’t wear shirts at all during summer ever be allowed to go to the same public parks as me?

The Kentucky State Capitol building credit

I implore the new federal administration to pull their heads from the sand and address this pressing issue. Mexican children coming here to escape inevitable murder at the hands of a drug cartel don’t bother me so much as an entire state full of people who drink only Monster Energy Drink from birth until death.

What is Blue Grass (not the music, the actual plant)?

Where is My Old Kentucky Home? Why don’t you all stay there?

Why do you have a Hooters next to a Joe’s Crab Shack next to 35+ Liquor & Cigarette drive-thrus?

What the hell happened to all the sleeves on all your shirts? Why did you cut them off? Where are they now? Do we need to stage a sleeve-raising drive?

In Conclusion

We’re gonna build that Ohio-Kentucky wall, folks, and by god Kentucky is going to pay for it. Probably in pork rinds. Or bourbon.