Men are a mystery, like who built the pyramids? No one knows. What would happen if you got your man flowers or wrote him a love letter? No one knows. So don’t do it (but men, if you’re reading this, please buy the woman in your life flowers and write love letters because women are not mysteries, they are precise like IKEA instructions.)
If you’re wondering what would make a guy or a dude fall madly in love with you — as, in, small things you can do that would make him never cheat on you (anal) and more importantly marry and cherish and worship you until he dies of heart disease — just take a look at these 13 tips that will trap him in a trap made out of love.
1. Make sure your fridge is full of stuff he likes to drink, because it may be your apartment, but he lives there rent free now. Bonus: take him back to his frat days and chuck him a brewski when he steps out of the shower. Then, later, when he’s really drunk, let him clumsily masturbate your phantom penis. He won’t talk about it ever again!
2. Make him a snack after sex. Men love sex and men love snacks! That’s right, immediately after sex, dash to the kitchen. You read that right, goddess! Once he’s pulled out, combat roll out of bed and haul ass to snackburg. It has to be a gourmet snack — bacon wrapped scallops with cream sauce and roasted Brussels sprouts with a side of chicken fingers will do in a pinch.
3. Email him links about his favorite TV show, which is the second season of “True Detective.” He loves that shows because it’s gritty and it’s what adults watch and he’s a fucking-a adult. Don’t just send him some random thinkpiece from a lame website like Vulture or Salon or The New York Times. Send him good links to smart blog posts that he can read on his chill Galaxy Note. If you loved him, you could go on a date with someone who works at HBO and ask him if Vince Vaughn really is that talented. That’s a really good question.
4. Brag about him to your friends, your family, coworkers, and everyone at your weekly Al-Anon meetings. Tell the world that he’s a doctor prince who writes spoken word poetry. Remember that a lie is the truth with a positive life attitude. Grab strangers by their shirts and yell “I’m dating a successful man with a calm temperament who satisfies me sexually!” This will make his ego swell like an infected wound.
5. Answer the door in a negligee. Better yet, answer the door naked. Better yet, answer the door without skin. Men love skeletons. Why do you think they’re called boners?!
6. Be open to what he wants to try in the bedroom. If he says “you’re Benjamin Franklin and I’m a space goat,” just do it! If he wants to cry after prematurely ejaculating, just let him! Then make him a snack. But most importantly, be open to what he wants OUT of the bedroom. In general, just do what he says, always, because one way to make a man love you forever and ever is to pretend you’re a living doll.
7. Allow him to solve your petty work squabbles. Everyone knows that women bicker, and men get ‘r done. So let him chime in on whether or not accepting partnership at the firm will effect your pro bono work helping indigenous peoples negotiate with local, state, and Federal government.
8. During the big game, spit out a sport stat that will really impress him. He will literally look at you the way he’d look at a toaster if that toaster suddenly shouted “I am a sentient being!” That means, when you’re not working 80 hours a week, buying him beer, cooking him snacks, or pegging him senseless, you should be studying up on facts about his favorite sporting ensembles. In a few years, you could become a “cool chick.” To be a “cool chick” is the highest honor to which a woman can aspire.
9. It gets pretty boring when someone is constantly giving you their heart and soul. So make sure you’re always trying to surprise him. Try pulling a quarter out of his ear. Was he surprised? Try the other ear. Here’s an extra tip: men like to be treated like they’re in the third grade, only with fully-developed genitalia. Does the he like hot dogs? Duh! Slice up hot dogs, and lightly chew them into small little bites. Ask him to lay his head on your lap, and then slowly spit those tiny morsels from your mouth into his mouth. This will make the little birdie feel special.
10. Treat his friends the way you treat your friends: smile politely, laugh at their jokes, and let your hatred for them slowly consume you from the inside out, like cancer. If you win over his former fraternity brothers, you’ll win his heart. And once you have his heart, you can keep it locked in the trunk of your car. So make plenty of snacks and, when in doubt, just pretend you’re a lamp.
11. Sit next to him quietly while he zones out in front of the TV. Sit next to him quietly while he plays Xbox. Sit next to him quietly, like a sphinx.
12. Light a candle. Give him a foot rub. Name his bunions after his favorite stars of sports. Next, give him a sensual back massage. Make sure you end the back massage with a “happy ending” or, as his former fraternity brothers call it, a “secret handshake.” Blow out the candle. Listen to him cry in the dark.
13. Instantly transport him to awesome awesome third grade by teasing him about his favorite goofy shirt, or how his sports team lost or that he’s fat and will never be loved. Tease him about his emotionally distant father, who is largely responsible for his inability to be intimate with women. Tease him about getting laid off, his growing drinking problem, and his complicated yearnings. Tease him about how you’re the only woman who will put in the effort to do the small things that can make a man love her forever and ever. Hold him.