How To Create A Digital Strategy For The Internet

It is obvious you’re serious about digital strategy for the internet because
you’re reading “How To Create A Digital Strategy For The Internet “ on the internet.

If you follow my digital strategy for the internet, you will have viral success. When it comes to viral success it is important to be able to say “viral success” with a straight face. You know what’s also important? A digital strategy for the internet.

What is a digital strategy for the internet? It’s complicated, but it involves science and consultants. I will get to consultants shortly. They are probably the most valuable members of society.

Luck has nothing to do with viral success. You don’t just cross your fingers and make content. One does not just work hard and take creative risks and learn from one’s mistakes. That is ridiculous.

The internet is no place for ridiculousness.

Do you need a digital internet strategy? Everyone does, but those people with businesses that are on the internet need it more than most. Contrary to what many believe, screaming “SNAPCHAT” into the mirror three times is NOT a digital strategy for the internet.

What qualifies me to write about digital strategy for the internet? Let me answer that question with a question: who wrote this essay?

I am executive editor-in-chief of Internet Action Force, which is a direct competitor to The Wall Street Journal. Internet Action Force employs a digital strategy for the internet and is, therefore, an enormous success. We disrupt all the paradigms. Our verticals are moist and delicious. As I write this, our traffic is up 500000% from last Tuesday. Which is impressive, but only to experts and gurus and content creators, like yours truly.

Let me backup, because your head is probably spinning. What is “traffic?” Nobody really knows. It’s a mystery, like the meaning of life or airplanes.

I will explain how I grew Internet Action Force from a hallucination into a content-rich, multi-platform series of hyphenated buzzwords. But first, you might be wondering why I would reveal my digital strategy for the internet to complete strangers.

I guess I just believe in giving some back. Call me a romantic fool, but if I I can help just one person, then I absorb their life force and become stronger.

Make me stronger. Fill me with your light.

Before we drill down into the granular specifics of what it takes to launch a dynamic website, I’d like to talk about SEO. SEO is pronounced “See-yo” and it comes from the Latin for “magic words.” The internet is fueled by magic words, and those words are: boobs, sex, boobs, and free ipad.

There are some people out there who disagree with me on internet strategy for the internet. Most of those people are professionals who I respect, and whose brains are addled by exotic STDs. Their advice will probably be “Buzzfeed.” A pretty good digital content strategy is to be Buzzfeed, but that only works if you are, in fact, Buzzfeed.

If you are not familiar with “Buzzfeed,” I suggest going on the internet before executing my digital strategy for the internet.

I can wait. Just click “Windows XP” on your desktop.

A proper digital strategy for the internet has four primary components: first, there’s content. Content is king, and that is why content is routinely murdered in his sleep.

Second, there’s code. “Code” is another one of those nonsense words. What is “code?” It’s just math. Real nerd shit.

Some people pay a lot of money to people who code. They’re called “developers,” because they’re not always fully developed. I once hired a developer with webbed toes! Code is easy, though. Here’s the secret: click “view source” on any ol’ webpage you like, and then “select all” and THEN “cut and paste.”

Thirdly, you need a web consultant. Web consultants take many forms: a bird or a cat or a ferocious, mythical skaarg from the lost age. But you need one, and you need to spend a lot of money hiring these consultants.

Anyway, I am a consultant. You can summon me via

And lastly, you need a social media strategy. This is the easiest part. A social media producer is anyone under the age of 22. You can hire them by the six-pack. They fit easily into a shoe box and are happy to suck on cotton balls soaked in orange juice. What platforms should your social media team engage in realtime conversations with users on? I recommend Geocities. If any of them mentions the word “algorithm” fire them immediately. There are some things mortals are not supposed to know.

So there you are, the four main components of a digital web strategy. Now, do you think you can just sit back and watch the traffic grow and grow and grow? Laugh out loud! You are correct.

It is just that easy.

I get asked “What is Internet Action Force’s digital strategy for the internet?”

My usual response is to act like a tree. “Where did John go?” they say. “He was just here a moment ago. But now there’s this tree.”

This is a classic military tactic.

But the truth is: the strategy for Internet Action Force is simple. Make short videos, every day. Make them hot and fresh. Make them with a team of eight humanoids who are talented and funny and hard workers. Make short videos about whatever people are talking about at that very moment. Listen to the conversation. Ignore the noise. Celebrate the work of our peers. Share the best and the weirdest of the web. Learn, fail, and laugh some more. Make even more short videos. Take risks.

And cross our fingers.

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