It’s Not Easy Being A White, Heterosexual Male

It’s not easy being a white, heterosexual male. I should know. I am one.

I have been a white, heterosexual male my entire life. It’s exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up.

When you’re a white, heterosexual male, non-white heterosexual men and women naturally look to you for wisdom and leadership.

Why, just the other day, I had to explain to a nice girl at work that Star Wars is based on the work of Joseph Campbell, who lived thousands of years ago in Ancient Greece. She rolled her eyes at me! At me! Ha, ha. That’s a chubby lady for you. What she doesn’t understand is that I’m a feminist, just like Jack Kerouac.

Then, later that same day, I had to politely suggest to a non-white homosexual male intern that even though Trump probably won’t be president, he does have some very interesting ideas. America used to be so great, before everyone had an opinion, and rights.

Hey, I’m okay with gays. So long as they don’t gay out all over the place. Gayness is like cancer: yes, we know you have it, but there’s no need to talk about it.

I then told him that all lives matter. Especially the lives of white, heterosexual males because we fought the Nazis. The bad Nazis, not the good ones.

Where else is he going to learn things like history? Snapschats?

Sigh. It’s, like, why do I even bother?

Sometimes I feel like Jesus, another white, heterosexual male persecuted for being special. It just makes me sad.

I don’t know why white, heterosexual males don’t just pack up their guns and close down America. Move somewhere friendlier, like any place we want.

You know why white, heterosexual males own so many guns in the first place? Because how else can we defend our Jesus-given right to have the very best of everything forever?

I don’t know why I try. I’m not looking for pity. Does that makes sense? Does it? Does it make sense? But would it kill people who aren’t exactly like me to tell me I’m doing a good job being a white, heterosexual male, followed by fawning silence?

But if you think it’s all easy being a member of the primary ruling caste of this entire planet, then think again!

Here’s an example: people who aren’t white, heterosexual males sure do complain all the time.

You’ve got problems with the system? Tell me about it. I have to stand in line at the DMV, too, you know.

Recently, white, heterosexual males have been finding themselves victimized by a group of people known as “everyone else.”

There is so much more competition these days for things like jobs and money.

I have so much to share with the world, if the world just took the time to give me everything I want on a big, silver plate.

Seriously, white, heterosexual males are in danger of becoming regular humans.

It’s not easy competing with talented, hard-working men and women of various ethnicities and sexual orientations, because they’re so talented and hard-working.

It is utterly impossible for you to imagine what it is like to submit a resume and think “I wonder if the job interviewer will unfairly and impulsively judge me because of my race, gender, or sexual orientation.”

I defy anyone except other white, heterosexual males to even begin to understand what it is like to suffer such gross indignities.

I believe in equality! My favorite Ghostbuster was Winston.

It’s not easy being a white, heterosexual male, because we basically invented civilization and now we have to share it.

It’s not easy being a white heterosexual male, because no one ever says “thank you.”

“Thank you” for all the nice skyscrapers, and the combustion engine, and napalm, and unjust laws, and shackles, and beer.

I can’t help but feel like it’s white heterosexual males versus you people. Just white heterosexual males who control the largest concentration of wealth and power in the history of the world against folks who say things that hurt the feelings of white, heterosexual males.

Whatever. You’ll be miss us when we’re gone. Who will play the evil CEO in the new action blockbuster then?

One day white, heterosexual men will have a voice in this society.

One day, we will overcome.

Until then, I will have to “check my privilege” every time I want to share my flawless opinion without any negative feedback.

If you were a white, heterosexual man, you’d be pissed off. We had such an awesome run.

If I had been born 100 years ago, things would be different. That was a magical time for white men, much like the preceding entirety of recorded history. Back then, black people were always dancing and singing. You could slap a woman for being a dingbat and she’d thank you for it.

Hell, back then, I would have been celebrated for contracting a mild STD from a prostitute. In fact, I’d probably get multiple lucrative job offers because of it.

And most importantly, you could drone on and on about things you know nothing about and only white men with penises who enjoy taming wild vagina would even think to question you. Mostly, they would just nod or laugh while smoking a pipe.

Things are different today. I can’t publicly lecture a woman or a minority about how good they have it. That’s a shame, really. I have so many thoughts and feelings about people who aren’t me, if only they’d just shut-up and listen.