The Shitty Year In Review

A new year is almost upon us! Are you ready to pop the champagne? Of course you are, who isn’t? The next 365 days will be full of promise and opportunity.

But before we celebrate all the good fortune the future may bring us, let’s take a moment to review the past twelve shitty months.

The last year was just shit. It started as shit, continued being shitty, and then, for the last six months, it was just shit. The winter was cold like death’s balls. The summer was hot, but it was a dry heat, like fucking hell. The weather use to be indifferent to humanity’s plight. But the climate hates us, and who can blame it?

Before we get to how we’re responsible for all the evil shit in the world, let’s take a look at the big picture: what. a. shitty. year.

There were many milestones worth mentioning. First, there was cruelty. Who can forget all the senseless butchery? Plus: if you invested in hate, then your investment continued to pay off this year, just like every year, since the beginning of recorded civilization.

Seriously, though, last year was the worst, unless you were an aristocrat, or mercenary, or a monster. But, on the bright side, there was no bright side.

Last year, if people weren’t racists, they were assholes. If, by some miracle, they weren’t racists or assholes, they were selfish, greedy little sociopathic fucks.

But I’m generalizing. Not all people were terrible last year. There were also plenty of wonderful, loving, nurturing people who are dead now.

What a year. Who can forget the laughter and the screaming and the screaming that sounds like laughter?

We should be thankful. Take a moment to be thankful. You should be thankful for all the things, like beer and skin. You should be thankful for your right to shop. You should be thankful that you’re safe, for now.

But the past year wasn’t all fun and hunger games. It was also an era of change as our country transitioned into an outrage-based economy.

Last year, there were beheadings and explosions and profound suffering, plus the Academy Awards happened. A baby was made to a pop song and that baby will grow up believing the popular lie that his or her dreams matter.

Meanwhile, on TV.

This past year year will go down in history as yet another shitty year full of shitty people doing shitty things to each other. It will also go down in history as the year sending photos of genitals to the handheld devices of strangers became easier than at anytime in human history. Praise.

We’ll remember this past year as the year mankind failed to evolve for shit. We’ll also remember this past year as the year there were still people who didn’t believe in evolution because our civilization is horny for stupid.

Remember all those selfies? Remember all those dead eyes? Remember all those likes, retweets, and ding-dong-beep-zonks?

Remember there was extra cheese last year? Remember those pants? Remember when that celebrity smiled on the red carpet and smiled and clawed open her mouth and vomited a swarm of locusts?

What a year. Seriously. What a year. What a shitty year.

There were advances in science! A new pill makes boners whistle. A special kind of bullet that not only kills its target, but then tracks down and kills the target’s family. It was announced that in our lifetime we will see a Pizza Hut on Mars.

Hopefully, next year, the internet net will continue to grow into a sacred place where forgiveness and grace remain the only currency. One can hope and pray. Or just hope. God isn’t dead; He’s just too busy playing video games to care about much.

Last year, someone made a sacrifice, a compromise, a difference. That someone is probably a stuck-up jerk.

What matters is a cable news anchor spoke power to truth.

Last year, a politician made someone wealthy, and that same politician made someone poor. Another politician made a decision that fired a missile that killed a bunch of people far, far away. Those people may have been guilty. Who really knows? There was an election. It turned out the ways elections always turn out: someone who is vulnerable and scared will lose what little they have.

Here’s the best and worst from the last year: the movie about a character overcoming obstacles and learning a life lesson was the best! The worst was the one about a character overcoming obstacles and learning a life lesson.

Humanity produced so many fluids this past year. Here’s a brief review of the fluids humanity produced: tears, tears, endless tears, an ocean of blood, buckets of semen. Many of these fluids were tainted with diseases — classic diseases, and cool new diseases.

Let’s try to be positive. At least we didn’t launch all those nuclear missiles we have at one another. Yes, at least, the Earth isn’t consumed by nuclear fire. But we must have something to look forward to.

So there you are! Last year was shitty. History repeats itself because history is a drunk dick. But next year is going to be awesome. Next year will be different. Believe. Hope. Dream. Next year is the year that love wins.