Scrolling vs Stillness

My first intro to scroll-suck was cable tv in my teen years.
I could click, click, click through the channels. And then when I got to the last channel (40 something? I remember MTV was 36) I would start from the beginning and start clicking again.
This is significantly different than watching a show. Or movie. Or even binge-watching.
This endless clicking is occupying the brain with, “something new!” “Something new!” “Something new!” “Something new!” Occasionally stopping on something interesting for a minute or two, then continuing to click on.
When designers created the endless scrolling timeline of Facebook (or twitter or instagram or any social media) I’m told they studied people’s behaviors in casinos — specifically slot machines.
Makes sense. You never want to stop clicking, or scrolling, or spinning. Whether a spin is a bust or a jackpot you want to keep spinning. The entertainment is in the “something new!”“Something new!” “Something new!” “Something new!”
I have recently realized that I often fall into this behavior with food.
I will eat handful after handful. Chip after chip. Gulp after gulp.
To me, every sized package is “single serving” because I will keep scrolling/clicking/eating until the food is gone.
I have been aware of my addictive tendencies, but only recently noticed the similarities with internet habits and eating.
When I get to a pause in life, I want to fill it with something new. When something feels awkward or uncomfortable, I want to retreat to a soothing scroll or taste sensation.
I am now actively trying to be aware of and stop ANY time I am scrolling. Cease ANY time I am eating other than a specific portion size.
I want to act consciously.
I want to use social media purposefully. Posting, & replying at specific times. Then, when no more notifications, MOVE ON to the next thing on my TODO list.
I want to eat purposefully. Shopping for, preparing, and consuming specific things in set proportions.
I want to practice stillness. To meditate. To cook. To lie with my lover and simply be aware of her.
To walk or drive in silence — and not feel compelled to listen to a podcast or audio book.
To act intentionally and allow myself space to think.
To use my mind actively… not passively receive the shallow stimulus of the endless scroll.
I feel like, many many years ago, I could do this. But my habits have corrupted and my attention span deteriorated noticeably over the last decade.
Even writing this post was a challenge. I wanted to check Facebook, but restrained myself (hooray!) But I ate a handful of nuts as I sat down to write and — to be perfectly honest — ended up grabbing the rest of the bag and finishing it a couple paragraphs ago.
I am aware of the behavior. I am stopping myself more and more. And I know that if I can find balance and stop the scrolling, I will find freedom.
