Virgin Experiences & Things In My Butt

John Halcyon Styn
Feb 16, 2017 · 5 min read
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I had a couple of Virgin Experiences yesterday.

At my age, Virgin Experiences are rarely sexual. (Although they could be.) There are anything new. And the older you get, the more rare and precious they become. Of course, as the world evolves, more new experiences are invented. For example, I had a virgin experience of playing a VR video game recently when Dmitry let me borrow his goggles and gloves. (I have not yet had a VR sexual experience… partly because, who would loan out their VR gloves for that!?)

I had the opportunity to get a series of services at the Longevity Lounge in Pacific Beach: A Lymphatic Massage, Infrared Sauna, and Colon Hydrotherapy.

I’d never done any of those. So in addition to the experience, I got an education with each.

I was a little embarrassed to admit I don’t know much about the Lymphatic system. Apparently it is the body’s second circulatory system and you have more lymph than blood. But you don’t have a pump like the heart to move the lymph around. So the intention of the massage is to facilitate the movement and functionality of the lymphatic system. (From their website: “Studies support lymphatic work can push unto 78% of stagnant lymph back into circulation, this helps to support the organs to work more profusely and strengthen immune function. “)

My technician Jenna used an Electro-Lymphatic Wand, Medi-Vacuum Cupping, and manual massage. It wasn’t the “BIG RED HICKEY” style of cupping. In fact there were no marks and no pain. The wand actually triggered my ASMR response. (If you are unfamiliar with ASMR, Google it. Basically, certain sounds and experiences give me a euphoric tingly sensation down my spine.) So the experience was pretty fantastic for me.

Then I put on a hospital gown and headed down the hall to their infrared sauna room. I should note that every room had awesome crystals on display and soothing music. I’m not a regular visitor to Spas, but I imagine this is part of the soothing vibe that makes them such a valuable escape for people.

At first I was confused by the hospital gown. It ties in the back? Why not a more traditional robe? Then I remembered that after the sauna was my hydrotherapy appointment. I was trying not to think too much about the rear-entry process in my future.

Jenna gave me a tour of the personal sauna. It was all wood inside with LED mood lighting. She explained that unlike a traditional sauna, it heated from the inside out and was more effective for eliminating toxins. She set the timer for an hour, but said she personally could only handle 45 min. For some reason her explanation made me think it would be easier to endure than a traditional sauna. That was not my experience.

After 30 min at 150 degrees, I was struggling. My washcloth was soaked from wiping off the sweat that streamed off me. I knew there was no way I could last an hour, but pride made me want to last 45 min. I recently went to a talk by a native american who runs sweat lodges. As I suffered quietly in the heat, I wondered if I could survive a sweat lodge. With each minute I tried to will myself the strength to endure.

At 40 minutes, I was done.

There was a cold washcloth outside to wipe down with. As glorious as it felt, my body continued to drip sweat. I could have soaked in an icy river for a few minutes.

When I finally realized that I had no idea how long it would take for my body to cool down, I put my gown back on and headed to the Colon Hydrotherapy room.

Rachel was kind and soothing. I admitted I was a little nervous and she was full of reassurances. I have a feeling that she is no stranger to people’s hesitation. And I imagine that being able to quickly establish trust is a big part of her job.

It is a very odd scenario. I have been in intimate relationships with partners for years and never felt comfortable giving them access to my butt. And here was a stranger that I was going to trust putting a thumb-sized tube inside me. Should I have brought flowers? Should she have bought me a drink?

She explained that it was much more about hydration then I realized. I was surprised how quickly I was comfortable. And the procedure was much less unpleasant than I imagined. I found myself becoming quite chatty. Maybe I was more nervous than I thought, because I couldn’t stop talking as I filled up with fluid.

When it came time to release the fluid, nothing came out.

She tapped the tube and massaged my belly, but nothing.

Then she filled me up with organic green coffee to break things up.

But nothing.

I was starting to feel like I was doing it wrong. But, again, Rachel was great with assurances. I had heard all about the bizarre experience of watching the flow of gook as it exits your body through a lit up tube. But, alas, that was not going to work for me. She eventually removed my tube and I waddled to the bathroom to release in a more traditional and less visually grandiose fashion.

Eventually I figured the water & coffee was all out of me. So I carefully exited the bathroom and got dressed. (Midway on my drive home I became aware that, no, I was not empty. Luckily I was able to make it home with no problems. Thank goodness I beat traffic!)

I gathered my composure and walked back to the waiting room. Again, I wasn’t sure what the proper closure should be. Smoke a cigarette? Exchange phone numbers?

I was grateful when Rachel & Jenna suggested we hug it out.

I am deeply grateful to Rachel & Jenna for the virgin experiences! I plan to return to the Longevity Lounge soon.

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