Rule # 7 If It Feels Good, Don’t Say It

Like most of the recommendations in Rule #1 — Crazy People Make You Crazy, the lesson here is to manage yourself.

Rule #7 — If It Feels Good, Don’t Say It. Did you just smile and nod?

One of the most popular and most violated rules of the 10 rules of the book is Rule #7. I almost left 10 pages of blank paper as a substitute for the chapter words. I thought I could just write “You know what this means, don’t you?” People laugh and then nod their head ruefully at just the mention of good old Rule #7.

Maintaining a calm, rational mindset is a key to coping more effectively with Rule #1 people. This sounds easier than it is. Out in the real world, Rule #1 people behave in ways that can be supremely frustrating and even offensive. Their illogical behavior can set your work on a project back by weeks or months. Living on the unmoored side of life’s seesaw, they often lack basic social graces and can seem rude and uncaring as a result.

Self-restraint is key. If you lose control in a Rule #1 situation, you will make things worse, not better. Groucho Marx once observed, “If you speak when angry, you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”

Don’t do it. Resist the urge.

“Thanksgiving is on a Thursday”

When I think of model behavior in keeping your cool and staying true to Rule #7, I think about a Jesuit priest I met at a luncheon at Loyola University in Baltimore. I found the story of his life to be so fascinating that I kept peppering him with questions through the entire event.

He had two doctorate degrees — one in history and one in English literature. As a Jesuit, he knew his share of both Latin and Greek. He came originally from Goa, a city that’s now in India but for centuries was a separate city-state under the control of Portugal. Like many people from Goa, this guy could speak Portuguese as well as a couple of the many different languages spoken in India.

At some point in our afternoon together, the priest told me that he had just recently become an American citizen. I asked him what the experience was like, and he smiled through the entire story that followed.

Once he arrived at the government office where the ceremony was scheduled, the priest had to wait in line for a while and then pick up a number of different forms to fill out. Then he had to wait in several more lines, one for each of the forms that he had filled out. They stamped this one, and they signed that one, and they filed some other ones. It went on and on, the priest said.

Finally, he came to his last stop before the auditorium where he would finally be able to raise his right hand and take the Oath of Allegiance. Standing behind a counter was a pair of government bureaucrats whose job, apparently, was to make sure the applicants could speak some English.

I wasn’t there, so I cannot say whether these two bureaucrats are Rule #1 people or not. I would guess that they are not. Sometimes, Rule #1 situations arise because organizations adopt crazy procedures and rules, and the illogical-seeming things that otherwise normal people in those organizations do is the result. This phenomenon seems to be especially common in large government bureaucracies.

In any case, these two men obviously had no actual interest in the diminutive man now standing before them. While he was feeling so eager to move forward and experience one of the most important days of his life, they had a glassy, bored look about them.

After glancing at the priest’s remaining paperwork, one of the two employees looked at him and said, “Say these words after me: ‘Thanksgiving is on a Thursday.’”

Think about how many languages my Jesuit friend knows. Think about his multiple doctoral degrees and his fascinating life story. Think about how overjoyed and proud the United States should be to welcome a man like this into the citizenship fold.

As he told me this story, I couldn’t believe that his journey to U.S. citizenship could possibly include such an offensive, insulting interlude! If I had been in his shoes, I probably would have said something quite snippy. In fact, I might have opted to recite some Shakespeare.

But my Jesuit friend did nothing of the kind. He opted to find and savor a bit of humor in a situation where others might have taken deep offense. He smiled at the two men and said, quite humbly, “Thanksgiving is on a Thursday.”

He kept his eye on the prize. He didn’t let a little bureaucratic Rule #1 rain get in the way of his big day. A few minutes later, he experienced at long last the joy of becoming a U.S. citizen.

Remember my Jesuit friend the next time a Rule #1 situation has you ready to blow your stack in frustration. Take a deep breath and repeat this bit of wisdom: “Thanksgiving is on a Thursday.” It might help you, too, keep your eyes on the prize.

“Fine” Is a Four-Letter Word

In situations that are frustrating and difficult, it’s human nature to look for ways to release bottled-up emotions. Rule #1 situations are often filled with such frustrations, of course, and that makes this particular instinct a dangerous one to indulge around impossible people.

It can lead to voices rising in anger and accusations flying this way and that. That’s not likely to lead to a productive outcome.

But still there may come a need for venting. In those occasions, there is one four-letter word that’s allowed: Fine.

When uttered in Rule #1 situations, it should sound like the very last word in a long and passionate argument. It should be spoken through clenched teeth, with enough oomph behind the f sound to make it seem like every last bit of frustration is being blown out of the body.

This really does work. It offers a sense of physical release, while still keeping the risks of escalating a situation to a minimum.

Coping with Rule #1 situations often requires uncommon levels of self-restraint. In the heat of the moment when Rule #1 is in play, we will sometimes find ourselves at the end of our rope, feeling a mix of anger and frustration that builds to the point where we are ready to blow.

That is the moment to take heed of Rule #7. It’s time to keep your eye on the prize and remember that blowing up is going to make things worse, not better. If needed, allow yourself a moment of release, but choose that moment wisely — make sure it’s not going to heightening any Rule #1 tensions.

Fine.

John J Patterson is the author of the new business classic, Rule # 1 — Crazy People Make You Crazy (At Work Edition) — The Survival Guide for Coping with Impossible People.