John Kerrison on You’ve Got Mail

Emily’s guilty pleasure, You’ve Got Mail, is a cautionary tale about the dangers of meeting Tom Hanks on the internet, set in a time when life was all ‘A/S/L?’ this, and ‘lol’ that, followed by an argument about someone wanting to use the phone.

It opens with Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) and her Luddite boyfriend Frank (Greg Kinnear), who is harping on about how solitaire is effecting workforce productivity, presumably because of a recent embargo on interesting conversation. “Tell me one good thing technology has brought us?” he asks, reading a newspaper that was printed by a machine, through his glasses that are, in themselves, a technological development.

Instead of answering, and possibly because the sound of a dial-up modem is more interesting, Katherine logs onto her computer and reads an email from Joe (Tom Hanks). It seems Joe and Kathleen are having a cyber-affair, although it’s the innocent, mid-day musings type rather than the ‘Leslie Grantham’s sucking his finger!’ type. Remember that?

It mostly involves them emailing each other to talk about stationery, and books, and ‘New York in the fall’. ‘Fall’ is what Americans call autumn, because it has half as many syllables and everyone there is super busy.

I’ve learned that Kathleen owns a small bookshop that has been passed down through her family, in the same way an heirloom or genetic misfortune might be. It’s nice there and she hires lots of friendly people like Heather Burns, Jean Stapletone and a version of Steve Zahn that comes with Kurt Russell’s hair.

But what’s this? Joe also owns a book shop. In fact he owns a massive chain of shops, and is building a really, really big one right next to Kathleen’s very, very small one. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call conflict.

‘I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly,’ she says, and then they do a big, tearful, Hollywood kiss.

Now sworn enemies in real life, and anonymous confidants online, the two have gone to war. Although not an actual one—it’s really just some picketing and sexual tension. There is a casualty though; namely Kathleen’s book store, which is sad because Steve Zahn has lost his job and will eventually have to do voice work on Stuart Little to make ends meet.

Speaking of Zahn, I’m fairly sure his character has somehow been edited in from another movie here. He doesn't seem to be contributing anything, other than about a minute ago when, apropos of nothing, he started talking about sausage meat and then just sort of trailed off and walked away. Maybe I missed a sub-plot?

Can’t worry about that now though, because Joe has just discovered that Kathleen is his e-amore. In response, he does what any one of us would do; he conducts an elaborate catfishing experiment which involves unparalleled levels of lying and manipulation that are, at best, morally dubious. It works.

It works so well in fact, that when the film ends with a rendezvous in a park and Joe is unveiled as the mystery mailer, Kathleen’s really happy. ‘I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly,’ she says to the man that ruined her livelihood. And then they do a big, tearful, Hollywood kiss.

As the credits roll I reflect on what I learned and I think it was this: the best way to a woman’s heart is to destroy her financially, cause the unemployment of her only friends, assume a fake online identity, and comprehensively stalk her until she is worn down. Thanks, movies.

Verdict: A peak Hanks/Ryan emote-athon about business strategies that may not survive Amazon and a relationship that could be scuppered by Facebook.