Starbucks, Sanity, and a side of Jesus…
I found your message about Starbucks to be compelling. I believe that there is a deeper issue here. I have decided to help you out in your quest for the presidency because I can see that you are in tune with the issues that a majority of voters are dealing with.
Its insidious, it starts innocently — simple red cups given to people each and every day. Lets not look past the fact that they used to be printed with images of Christmas that kept this sacred holiday in the minds of all Americans.
But I started thinking, Donald, millions of them, if not all of them, end up in waste cans without a second thought. Keeping the symbols of Christmas on the cups and allowing them to be thrown away sends a message that Christmas is disposable. We cannot let this happen. While the imprint of the images into the minds of the unsuspecting public help keep Christmas firmly planted there, what happens when those same people see these cups languishing in the garbage can? It sends the heart-wrenching message: “Christmas is disposable.”
Donald, we have a problem here. We are damned if we do and damned if we don’t. If we get Starbucks to relent and bring back the Christmas symbols, we will be unwittingly helping send the message that Christmas is for the trash can. That it can be simply thrown away and with it, our eternal life.
If we don’t, then Satan wins because his red cups of caffeinated fire and brimstone go out into the world bringing the dark roast of evil to all corners of the earth! The intoxicating smell of evil will permeate every nook and cranny of this great nation and help bring on the destruction of the American way of life, which has been happening at record pace since the time of the Roman Empire. Even then, the seeds of darkness were sown; because of their unbelief, hoards of marauding Huns decended upon the Empire, and thus started the first Dark Ages.
We have very little time to lose, Donald; the time for action is now. A boycott will take time to get rolling and you will have to deal with the apathy of the American population. We need to kick this into high gear. It’s going to take some cash, but you’re loaded, and since you are financing your own campaign, we won’t get into trouble by the Federal Election Commission. So this is how we approach it: with strong, subtle actions, that will make Starbucks, that spawn of Satan, our pawn in bringing back light into the soul of this darkened country.
Your malice and hatred against all things politically correct is an asset here. My plan is to make you a hero who is helping to fight this jihad against the evil political correctness of the solid red coffee cups. So here is our campaign strategy.
I figured that you could pick up a few million ceramic coffee mugs, have them imprinted with:
I did the math for you, using the number 320,090,857 which is roughly the full population of the United States. Using a US supplier, the mugs would cost you $688,195,342.55. Imprinting them probably would add a bit more to the cost. I got this off the internet, so I do know its close to true. This does three things: 1) It stimulates the US economy in the important fields of ceramic production and dye sublimation printing. Two imporant and critical sectors to the US economy. 2) It makes you look good because you are doing solid action to save jobs here in America. 3) It shows that you love Jesus.
We could do a bit of good ol’ American cost savings on this and have them outsourced to China. Using this avenue is better because it shows that you are financially savvy and willing to make the tough decisions when it comes to cutting costs.
I will have to review your speeches and figure out if you have been lamenting the state of American jobs and the unemployment situation.
This might put a kink in this plan because outsourcing this, while saving significant amounts of money, tends to piss off the voting bloc of underemployed white males. However that isn’t the issue here; the issue is really the cost of the Chinese mugs, which is: $81,623,168.53 yielding a cost savings of $606,572,174.01.
You then give these mugs to Starbucks for the next few months leading up to December 25th. The people take to the streets with their ceramic cups of evangelical zeal, powered by caffeine, and take the message of Christ and Christmas out into this darkened world. The United States will then begin a new era of Christian renewal. Because of your generosity and thoughtful actions, you stood against the red cups of Satan.
Donald, this country is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.
What do I mean, “biblical”? What I mean is Old Testament real wrath of God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes… The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!
Donald, if I am right, and you do this, you will have saved the souls of millions of registered voters.
Apologies to Ghostbusters.