16 Entertaining Deaf Jokes
1. One day, a blonde was left alone in a lab with a beetle. She examined it and decided to do an experiment. She pulled off one of it’s legs, then asked it to run. The beetle obeyed her command. Then, she pulled off a second leg and asked it to run. It did, but with a lot of difficulty. Finally, she pulled the remaining legs off and asked it to run. It couldn’t. “I have made a new discovery!” the blonde cried. “When you pull all of a beetle’s legs off, it becomes deaf!!”
2. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
3. Q: Why do farts smell?
A: So deaf people can enjoy them too.
4. A man is telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4000, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.” “Really?” answers the neighbor. “What kind is it?” “12:30.”
5. One way to live together and never have an argument is for both husband and wife to be hard-of-hearing… and to share the same hearing aid.
6. Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, “boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn’t stop!” The other Buddy says “when my wife goes off on me I just don’t listen.” “How do you do that?” Says the other. “It’s easy! I turn off the light!”
7. A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can’t find it. He yells up to his wife, ‘Where’s the rake?’ She replies by nodding her arms like she can’t hear. So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions. She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slapping her ass, then rubbing her crotch. He runs upstairs and says, ‘What?!’ She says, ‘I left tit behind the bush.’
8. Did you hear about the deaf mute? — Neither did he.
9. Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she took it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.
Monica said,”I need this dress cleaned.”
The man said, “Come again?”
Monica replied, “No, it’s just mustard.”
10. A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing aid. “It’s marvelous,” he enthused to a friend. “Since I acquired it, I can hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!”
“You don’t say,” said his friend. “What kind is it?”
The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, “Twenty minutes after two.”
11. Q: What was Helen Keller’s speech impediment?
12. When someone yawns, do deaf people think they’re screaming?
13. Q: What did the deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
14. Q: What did the blind, deaf, mute, quadraplegic boy get for Christmas?
15. A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside. The woman was running the lawn mower over the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fish bowl and was playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were crazy and moved on. After he’d finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he’d just seen. ‘’Oh, those folks ain’t crazy,’’ the farmer said, ‘’They’re both deaf mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go fuck herself because he was going fishing.’’
16. One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. The deaf policeman heard the noise, and came and shot those two dead boys. If you don’t believe this joke is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.
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