The definitive guide to rating a holiday movie
I’ve done the homework. 2022 update: I removed Hallmark from the title. We’re looking at both Hallmark and Lifetime moving forward.
NOTE (2022): We were due for an update.
My wife and I have watched 95% of the holiday movies that have ever been shown on the Hallmark Channel and on the Lifetime Network. Don’t bother calling or texting us in November and December; we’ll be occupied. There are at least 50 of these movies residing on our DVR as we speak. If you’ve lost respect for me, that’s okay. You can leave now.
We have become connoisseurs of schmaltz.
We know all that a Hallmark or Lifetime viewer desires and needs.
We’re pretty sure we could write one of these movies and it would be an instant hit. The formula is fool proof. We know what works and what needs to be cut from the writing room floor.
We want 85% reality and 15% fantasy.
We want attractive people but not too pretty or too handsome.
We want whimsy and we want nostalgia and we want sincerity. But they must remain in balance.
It’s not always easy to explain what works but we know it when we see it. We are constantly being asked for recommendations and while we have our personal favorites, it’s been a challenge to properly make suggestions to our customer base.
Until now.
We heard you and we’ve responded.
No, this is no lame Hallmark drinking game. Those are so 2017.
We’ve built the mother of all scorecards.
We haven’t rated every movie yet, but in the spirit of assisting holiday movie watchers everywhere, we wanted to get this in your hands so you can see how we do it.
As the scorecard evolves, we’ll ensure it’s user friendly enough so users can easily tweak to their liking. If they don’t like a “Matchmaker Santa”, they can remove it as criteria (although I highly recommend you don’t do this).
Without further ado, I give you “Holiday Movie Scorecard 3.0”:
Opening shot of the movie is an aerial view of New York City
+10 points
2022 update: I’m close to removing this as criteria. Every movie starts this way now. Seriously, show me one where it doesn’t. Although I’m happy to see Chicago is making a strong push with some of the more recent flicks.
If NYC is the backdrop then we have great promise. The fool proof formula is in full affect. NYC works when it is deftly contrasted against a small and tight knit Christmas obsessed town in say Connecticut or Ohio. I think 79% of these movies begin with this shot. It must be stock footage that can be had on the cheap.
Bad font used for the opening title sequence
-5 points
My wife and I have pieced together the metrics and there is a strong correlation between an old outdated font and an old and outdated movie. Fresh font = fresh movie
Unrealistic portrayal of a New York City apartment
-3 points
If you are a temp in NYC, you cannot have an apartment larger than 250 square feet. In fact, you shouldn’t live in NYC at all.
An annual small town Christmas production
+15 points
You and I may not have an annual Christmas pageant in our hometowns, but damn if we aren’t all missing out. These productions really seem to unite the town and that’s all the townsfolk talk about all year.
Sounds hella fun to me.
Extra bonus of +5 points if there is also a town wide cookie contest.
Horrific child actors
-50 points
2022 update: moved this to -50. The worst, still.
Nothing is more distracting than a bad child actor. I don’t have proof, but my gut tells me these movies have a limited budget and one way to cut corners is to hire children right off the street who have no acting chops. This can kill a movie within minutes.
Someone wakes up in a different life
+20 points
2022 update: these are slowly disappearing and it scares me. We desire the escapism and the comedic gold it provides. Might need to start a write-in campaign. Who’s with me?
This is my personal favorite story line. Redemption through realization that the grass isn’t always greener.
Extra bonus of +3 points if the lead really sells just how scary this would be. Extra bonus of +5 points if an actor enters their new life through a dryer.
Santa providing divine intervention
+7 points
2022 update: Mrs. Claus has entered the fray and I’m here for it.
Give me a St. Nick who can change the course of two potential soul mates by simply wiggling his nose any day of the week.
BTW, Bill Murray’s brother seems to have cornered the market with this role.
The lead looks like she or he was constructed in a lab.
-12 points
Too much and too distracting.
A prince or princess is involved in any way
-50 points
2022 update: doubled the points to -50. Yuck.
Run for the hills.
Overreaction to hot chocolate
-4 points
This is a big pet peeve. Hot chocolate is good and all but when actors over act in response to drinking it, it’s a turn off. Too over the top.
-1 additional point if it’s referred to as “hot cocoa”. Super irritating.
Corporate businessperson who hates the holidays only to be transformed through events out of their control
+15 points
2022 update: This plot theme is becoming stagnant. Considering dropping the point value down some. Although I may add points when the kooky assistant brings their boss coffee as they traverse the hallway of some overly Christmas decorated corporation where people still meet in conference rooms. So 2019 and I dig the nostalgia.
This is a common theme and we love it. Scrooge is forced to return home against their will, claims they won’t stay long only to be transfixed by the slower and more meaningful lifestyle of their hometown.
Extra bonus +5 points if said executive accepts a job working on a Christmas tree farm and never returns to the old job.
Parents back home with an unhealthy Christmas obsession
+15 points
2022 update: Upped to +15. I’m getting old and I’m starting to get it.
This one pairs well with the prior one. Mom and dad’s Christmas decor and lights are way over the top and all they do is bake cookies day and night. Dad sneaks a cookie and mom slaps his hand. Their spirit eventually wears down their ba-hum-bug daughter who cannot help but accept the Christmas spirit in her cold heart.
A hometown boyfriend/girlfriend who never left said hometown
+11 points
Pair this one with the prior two and you have the makings of the perfect movie. The former hometown love still lives there, works odd jobs for everyone in town, stars in the local production of A Christmas Carol and knows where to find the best hot chocolate in town.
We’re in.
Reunite with old boyfriend/girlfriend while shopping for a Christmas tree
+20 points
2022 update: moved up to +20. Still gets me in the feels.
We’ve all been there, right? We shop for a tree and while sweeping the branches with our fingers we shockingly see our ex and try to hide only to be caught moments later. We then proceed to have an awkward 2 minute conversation as if we didn’t already stalk each other on Facebook.
I know, me too.
Rediscovering just how dang fantastic it is to trim a Christmas tree
+11 points
As the lights are turned on, so is our holiday soul.
The need for a fake fiancee or boyfriend/girlfriend
+9 points
2022 update: same comment with switching lives applies here. I fear the topic is leaving us and I’ll be damned if I let that happen. Up to +75. Added to the write-in complain I’m busy drafting as you read this.
Yes, we all know how it’s going to end and we question how the family can be so easily fooled, but we don’t care. The attempt to pull it off is so dang intriguing and the falling in love at the end is so damn rewarding.
No high concepts
-25 points
There’s a reason the formula works. We want it simple. Keep the high concept for the non-holiday season.
The Christmas Train is like The Usual Suspects meets The Orient Express meets The Game meets standard Hallmark Channel fare.
I hated it. Too much thinking.
At least one airport or airplane scene
+6 points
2022 update: +10 points if the flight is forced to land in Santa Clause, IN or any other town with a similar name.
This is a must. Whether it’s a flight cancellation that threatens the ability to make it home on time or the need to make an emergency landing in Montana which leads to an awkward stay at a local Bed and Breakfast or a mix-up that results in a woman attending the holidays with the wrong family or a climactic chase down of a new love, the airport as setting always ups the drama and always works.
A cartoonish bad guy or gal as the boyfriend/girlfriend
-7 points
Don’t make it that easy on us. Even if we ultimately know the outcome, at least provide a semblance of a difficult choice for our main character. Don’t let them off the hook that easy.
A mash-up of Christmas and Hanukkah celebrations
+20 points
2022 update: Added +7 to the total. I can push for this one enough.
Joey Lawrence gave the performance of a lifetime in this one. I’m dead serious, his comedic chops are spot on. I’d watch this outside of the holiday season.
That good.
And for more “not understanding Jewish tradition hijinks”, check out this classic starring Wendie Malick, from, well, everything apparently.
There are carolers
-18 points
2022 update: Upped it to -18. So so awkward and I don’t want that in my holiday movies, ever.
I don’t know about you, but they make me super uncomfortable. I don’t know how to react to them. Do I tip? Do I invite them in? I don’t need that stress in my movies.
An attempt by Candace Cameron to play unlikable
-5 points
2022 update: I won’t touch this one any longer with the the newly developing Full House war between more diversity friendly Lifetime (Jodie Sweetin) and “old-fashioned” values Hallmark (Candace). But still, c’mon with the “bad gal” Cameron. We ain’t buying it.
Candace Cameron playing twins
+10 points
2022 update: regardless of your take on CC, this one still kicks ass.
Double the holiday pleasure. What range she has!
Obviously fake backgrounds
-4 points
You’d think with today’s technology this would no longer be an issue, but my wife and I just enjoyed “Hearts of Christmas” which was great outside of the fake snow shown in every scene. We don’t need it that over the top. We don’t need constant snow and we don’t need hyper unrealistic starry skies. You’re all better than that and we’re still a discerning audience, even when watching these types of movies.
An awkward ice skating scene
-7 points
For someone who despises ice skating and despises those who force me to try, this is another unneeded stress. It’s not cute or romantic when falling on ice. Go get a hot cocoa instead.
Only cool guys need apply. No dorks please.
-15 points
2022 update: just put Andrew Walker in every movie moving forward. You know who he is, no need to check out his IMDB.
This guy never wins the girl no matter how much he imbues the holiday spirit.
Reference to Mrs. Claus, an elf or an actual angel in the movie description
-1,000 points
2022 update: for clarity purposes, this is different from when Mr. or Mrs. Claus provide divine intervention to a couple in a super sneaky way. This is when they are the subject of the story. More isn’t always better.
Run for the hills part II. These will never work. We stand by our 85/15 rule with reality vs. fantasy.
Alicia Witt is in it
+5 points
2022 update: I still vouch for Alicia even as new blood floods the scene.
She never appears to be slumming it and she can play the Christmas averse businessperson, an aspiring writer or a woman who yearns for the holidays of her youth.
Steve Guttenberg is in it
-10 points
2022 update: no fear here any longer. You’d have to hunt for his movies through one of those weird streaming services or maybe on Ion.
Just trust me.
Unexpected celebrity cameo
-3 points
2022 update: I was wrong here. Henry Winkler is allowed to show up whenever he wants. I mean have you seen him in Barry? The world needs more of him.
In general, the celebrity can’t hide the fact that they’re in it for the paycheck. It’s distracting and we don’t need it.
Total score categories are still in the works.
Just know the best to date is “A Boyfriend for Christmas”. 2022 update: Still true although “On the 12th Date of Christmas” is rapidly moving up the board so we may have a new leader at this time next year.
Trust me.
