Not my problem anymore

I’ve watched Girls on HBO since it’s birth. I’ve loved Lena from the beginning, through the skepticism and even more as she continues to push the limits. Though now, I am more willing to agree that Hannah’s character is really selfish and kind of intolerable right now. Still, I believe that she still represents someone we all know, maybe someone we have all been at one time. You know, because, we are not just one person all the time. Not only through what she writes, but how the characters play those parts. There have been a few literally life-altering, breath catching, oh-fuck moments as I’ve followed Girls. Tonights episode, “The Panic in Central Park” may have trumped when Adam ran to Hannah during the worst of her OCD breakdown. Be patient, as I am still processing my emotions from the episode. If you will, I’d like you to process with me.

First, I have loved Charlie since the beginning. I realize he was weak and oftentimes, what I would call a pussy. Marnie treated him like shit. She was like, 22. I think I loved Charlie so much and could empathize with Marnie because of my personal relationship experience. I dated a guy in college, during my early twenties. He was totally a Charlie. He was soft. He was loving, devoted, open and exactly what my confused, screwed up self thought she needed. Turns out, he was exactly what I didn’t need. I mean there is no shame in being soft. Soft is good, only until one becomes so soft that they are suddenly neglecting the things they personally need only to be more for their partner. That is when soft becomes co-dependent real quick. So, tonight when I saw Marnie’s joy, as she was for brief moments really, really happy — I felt so many things. When I saw her face as she realized Charlie was shooting up, my heart dropped. Not because my “Charlie” shot up. Because he still did things that hurt me to see, that changed the innocent and loving idea I had of him — of us. I’d be willing to bet we all have a Charlie. A Charlie from high school, college or our late 20s…hell, maybe at 30, 40, 0r 50. A Charlie is actually really like a Charley Horse — -a sudden, involuntary contraction of one or more muscles — aka a cramp. I cramp up when I see my Charlie. It is sudden, involuntary and a contraction of my heart. It becomes smaller in the space it occupies. It is a mixture of missing someone and also just being sad about not winning. Not winning the battles, not winning the relationship, not winning time. When one spends so much time devoted to something or someone — a relationship, job or goal, it is hard to let it go. So, I raise my very large wine glass to you, Lena and to you Alison and even to all you damned Charlies because if it weren’t for you, there would be no Lenas, no Alisons and no Johnnas.

xo.

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