A Humble Recommendation
Gun violence is rampant, and other than restricting access to firearms — an absolute nonstarter — there’s simply nothing we can do about it. Not a single sensible answer exists. Which is why we have to abandon sensibility, and latch on to some good ol’ fashioned American hardscrabble ingenuity.
We have to start killing our own children.
As Abraham stood ready to sacrifice Isaac upon God’s command, America must now willingly sacrifice its young on the altar of its dedication to the Second Amendment. Not metaphorically. Literally.
The natural side effect of easy, constitutionally guaranteed access to firearms is clear: lots of people’s children are destined to die violent deaths. It’s unavoidable. If you want to live in the comfort and safety of an armory, it comes at a cost. But it’s a cost that, as a society, we’ve decided we’re happy to bear.
We’re absolutely unwilling to budge on the sacred right to bear arms, but that doesn’t mean we have to accept every negative consequence of that stalwart stance. We can shoot our rifles and work to reduce the recoil. We can keep our guns and reduce the randomness and terror of unexpectedly losing our family members. Shooting your own kids is the best, if not only, rational solution.
A bullet to the head of your offspring eliminates the unpredictable nature of losing a child to gun violence. By electing to shoot your own kid, you’ll be doing it on your terms, on your schedule. No more worrying every time your kid’s school calls you. No more having the cost of a funeral sprung upon you, thrashing your plans and your budget. You’ll be able to take your child’s life at a time that is convenient for you…and your bank account. That’s microeconomic fiscal responsibility, friends. And you’ll walk in the stoic, prudent footsteps of your forefathers as you rob Fate of her ungodly dice. No one decides when your kid is going to die, other than you. Keep a stiff upper lip while you say your goodbyes, steel your reserve, and take ownership of your determination to protect the Constitution, patriot.
You’ll insulate the rest of the community from the trauma of witnessing unexpected, gory death in a previously safe place of learning, worship, or entertainment. By shooting your child, you decide where to make your blood sacrifice to the Republic. You can’t control the fact that kids will die, but you can keep your kid’s friends from being scarred for life by witnessing the bloody deed. That’s what being a compassionate conservative is all about: defend the Constitution above all else, but don’t unnecessarily harm innocents in the process. Well, innocents other than your own kid.
Speaking of innocents, how do you know your own kid wasn’t going to be the next school shooter? Unfortunately, you just can’t know what goes on in these kids’ minds. They watch the violent movies that we make for them. They play the violent video games that we write for them. They take the anti-ADHD meds that we prescribe for them. They cyber-bully (and actual-bully) each other as they prematurely mimic our behaviors before they’re emotionally ready. And, similar to bastions of personal liberty like Yemen and Saudi Arabia, we’ve got a shitload of guns in our country. Add all of that together, and you can’t guarantee your child won’t gun down all of his friends in art class.
Unless, of course, you prudently shoot him yourself. Besides, you’re almost certainly on his list of people to kill when his impending psychotic break hits. You have every right to stand your ground and defend yourself. If it’s eventually, possibly going to come down to him or you, make sure you beat his ass to the punch.
There are tremendous ancillary benefits to this modest proposal as well.
An economically safe retirement is becoming less certain for you. Pensions are a thing of the past. Unless you’re a CEO making 1600 times your workers, chances are you can barely earn enough to pay for the basics of life, and you certainly can’t save much money. But eliminate your most costly expense — your kid — and think of all the money you’ll have left over at the end of the month! You’ll not only have more money to set aside for your golden years, but you’ll have more flexibility to pursue your Second Amendment protected hobbies, like hunting, skeet shooting, target practice, and arsenal building. Just like voting, you don’t have the right to complain about your situation if you’re not willing to do what it takes to change it. Shooting your own child is a tough-but-effective means to old-fashioned American self-reliance.
Hate abortion? Well, statistics say that your daughter might have one someday. That is, unless you take her out now. The abortion rate will fall to record lows as soon as we delete all of the would-be teen mothers. Fact. And, as a double-bonus, the would-be child born of the unprepared teen mother won’t grow up to irresponsibly exercise its Second Amendment rights.
Scared of getting carjacked? You know who carjacks people? That’s right: other people’s children. If everyone shoots their own kid, the chances of being robbed in the big city fall to near zero. That gun you’ve been carrying for protection might get dusty from just sitting around in your center console, but make sure you keep it oiled and clean in our new utopia…you still never know when a foreigner might try to jihad you!
The United States Constitution is built upon the right to bear arms and literally nothing else. There’s nothing we can do about it, and quite frankly, there’s nothing we want to do about it. We love it.
And we can build upon it and protect it. In our new self-chosen circumstances, we’ll be armed and blissfully safe from the possible tyranny of the government utilizing the world’s foremost military against us. We’ll be free to protect ourselves, to hunt, to sleep at night knowing we’ve already chosen when and where we’ll be victimized. We’ll march forward, rifles at the ready, protecting the 241-year-old vision of landed, wealthy, tax-hating, philosopher-farmers from an era of worldwide violent class warfare. We’ll bask in the intellectual congruity of putting our conservative values into action in a revolutionarily consistent way.
And we’ll never have to grieve again, after we’ve said our goodbyes and grieved just one last time.
The price of guaranteeing our rights is cheap. A bullet goes for around 25 cents these days. But the ultimate return on that investment — keeping our Second Amendment safe from those who’d misuse it and risk its future — is priceless.