Martin Shkreli to Be Jailed Over Hillary Clinton Threat

Martin Shkreli to Be Jailed Over Hillary Clinton Threat: Pharma Bro Martin Shkreli was ordered jailed in light of what a judge termed the “danger inherent in Shkreli’s Facebook recent post” offering a $5,000 reward to anyone who snags-off a lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair. Sounds like the only “lock” Mr Shkreli can expect from this point on will be the lock closing tightly on his jail cell door.

Georgia Man Shoots Wandering Elderly Man With Alzheimer’s: A 34-year-old Walker County, Georgia man shot and killed a 72-year-old man he assumed was a prowler on his porch, but who turned out an elderly man with advanced Alzheimer’s disease. A check of local ordinances found that under Georgia law, the only time its justified to shoot someone who’s on your porch is when they’re Jehovah’s Witnesses or possibly Girl Scouts pushing cookies — and then only if they’re completely out of Thin Mints.

Ted Cruz Claims It Wasn’t Him Who Liked Porn Video: The controversy over Ted Cruz’s personal Twitter account “liking” a hardcore porn video continues after the Republican senator from Texas doubled down on his denial, claiming it wasn’t he, but actually an unnamed staffer who did it. Well, the Bible does say in (Ps. 23:4) “thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.” Who knew just how much comfort that would entail? Anyway, go ahead and deny it all you want, but just remember Ted — every time you masturbate to pornography — Jesus kills a little puppy. I suggest the good senator try exercising a little “Cruz Control” in the future.

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