A poem about why I’m not good at astrology.
what’s my sign?
my birthdate suggest
that I’m a Capricorn;
named after the constellation
of Capricornus that is considered
an Earth sign
um, okay?
I’m sure that makes
sense to other people
but for me it’s all a bit confusing
I’m told that half of me is a goat
and the other half is fishy fish
I’m a sea goat?
wait, what?
Why couldn’t I be a falcon with shark teeth?
Or at least a whale who has the arms of a bear?
That would have been pretty badass.
I’m told that I’m
a sea goat who is ruled by Saturn
that is said to be practical,
ambitious and helpful
I don’t know what
in the hell any of that means
First of all, while I’m sure
Saturn is very lovely
and full of celestial wisdom
but
I don’t remember ever
giving Saturn the key to my
inner kingdom
hell, I don’t even know if
I have a copy of that key
for myself
I think that I likely
lost it in the couch
that I was living on in
my mom’s womb
that said
since I’m a half-goat
it’s also likely that
I don’t really have an
inner kingdom to begin
with
my experience with normal
land-based goats is that
they are kind of a “what you
see, is what you get” kind of
creature
there isn’t a whole lot of
“there” there in your
typical goat
as far as I can tell
a goat’s daily agenda
consists of a schedule
of the following:
eating
pooping
making weird sounds
and eventually wearing our their welcome
with people who once thought they
would love to be around one
actually, in regards to me,
that sounds about right
it sounds like I’m exactly who
my college guidance counselor thought
I’d end up
maybe I’m just a regular goat
maybe I’m a Capricorn
who never grew any fins
the thing is I don’t really
have the characteristics that
have been given to
sea goats
second of all,
I’m not that particularly helpful
I can’t help you move a piano
or change your flat tire
or sew you back together
or bless your baptismal waters
or listen without offering my opinion
or find you when you get lost
again,
I’m just a goat
if you have some
paper for me to chew
on I could probably
help you with that
for a while in between
my long naps
third of all,
I have zero ambition
I don’t want to be anything
or be anybody
I don’t want you to think I’m good
or bad
or important
or have a car with a thousand buttons
I just want to sit in a field
and maybe catch a sunset
while you scratch me behind my ears
If I were more ambitious
I would have been a better student
a better businessman
a better husband
a better father
a better writer
I’d be better at swimming
toward something meaningful
but I’m not
I’m just a goat
with the resume
you would expect
from any farm animal
with crocked teeth
and a neat little bell
that clangs every time
I walk to the fence and
dream of someday having
an ounce of wanderlust
fourth of all,
I’m not very practical
I don’t save anything for a rainy day
because there is nothing worse
than ruining a perfectly good
sunny day by worrying about
a rainy day that hasn’t come yet
that’s not what a typical goat does
we don’t think about the future
because we might be in a stew by then
I would never have made the arc
before the flood came
maybe that makes me a unicorn?
why couldn’t I have been born under the sign of
some sort of unicorn penguin hybrid
a penguincorn?
a rotund creature with a horn of magic and a belly full of fresh seafood — that would be perfect for me
instead I’m a sea goat who became stranded
on shore due to my lack of fins
the thing is I have never really considered Capricorn to be my astrological sign
my sign is more like
“Do Not Enter.
my sign is
“Under Renovation”
my sign is
“Beware! Haunted House!”
my sign is
“Fragile”
my sign is
“Watch Out For Falling Rocks.”
my sign is
“SOS”
my sign is
“Runaway Truck Ramp”
the more I think about it
the angrier I get
who do the constellations think they
are by telling me who I am?
why do the stars get a say in how
I see the world?
I’m not saying it’s all bullshit
because it might all be true
but I don’t want to live under
the expectations of ancient
starlight any more
I don’t want a pithy
astrological prediction
determine how much grace
I get to have
if I’m being honest
I think there is a real chance
that I’m going to die on this farm
without ever really knowing
what it is like to swim in the ocean
maybe someday
I’ll earn my gills
and I will fall into
the tide and become
the mystical creature
that the furry cosmos
thought I would be
when I was born
or maybe they will
get off of my tired
goat back and just
hand me another
raw carrot for me
to chew on while
I fix my gaze on a
row of blowing trees
that astound me
maybe someday
my sign will just be
a small note tied around
my neck that reads
“Good Boy.”
that would be just fine with me
so, maybe instead of being a Capricorn

I’m just a good boy
