Almost nothing was under my control — except for my supernatural ability to control the clouds that floated above with only the power of my mind.

The only place I had any control over anything was ruling The Cloud Kingdom that floated over me. With my back pressed against either (season depending) soft green or crunchy brown grassy mattress under my teapot shaped body I'd stare up into the canvas above and begin.

My eyes would train themselves on the biggest cloud I could find. I would study its edges. Were they sharpened by the whipping Wyoming winds? Or were they swollen and cotton-like? Then I'd focus my attention towards the center of the billowing mass. What shades of color could I find in it? My clouds never were just a solidly white or black. Even the whitest of clouds would be marked with flecks of grey or if I was lucky there'd be kisses of a sunset mixed in it.

Then after gazing at one particular cloud for a glorious moment it was time to use my power. I'd close my eyes and command the cloud to burst. I'd whisper to it that it's okay to let go and to reform itself. I gave it permission to become something new. Then I would open my eyes to be a witness to a miracle unfold.

The clouds would always burst and break apart as I had directed. Fault line would form through the center of the cloud and gaps would appear. Often the cloud would fight the process and try it’s best to remain connected to itself through little stretching vapor strands. It was afraid to let go. Eventually my powers would be too much for it and the cloud would break into several smaller ones.

Once done I'd pull myself up off of the ground and force myself to reenter the real world that I dreaded so much. Away from my Cloud Kingdom I was just a remarkably untalented boy who was at the mercy of life.

As time went on I began to give up on the fantasy that I had any affect on what as happening above me. I gave up the magic of it all. I had just as much control over the clouds as I did my own life. As they years have passed I've been swept away by the riptide of helplessness.

Helpless to stop the slow death of both of my parents.
Helpless to help my autistic son.
Helpless to stop my descent into depression.

Each of these events (and countless more) fractured me.They were trying to reform me and change the way I looked at life. However, as shattered as I was made to feel I would never let go of pieces of me that were damaged.

It was in the heart of my darkness that I finally went back to visit my Cloud Kingdom a couple of months ago and had a revelation:

I'm a cloud.

Like a cloud, I am at the mercy of an invisible jet stream that will advance me through time and space. Like a cloud, there are a dozen different colors swirling inside me at one time. I have as much control over my day to day life as a cloud does.

I need to take my own advice I used to give to my fellow clouds. It's okay to be broken and to then reform. Quit holding on to who I was. I may not be able to control my world...but I can allow myself to burst open and to become a new creation.