I spend a lot of time compiling and polishing other people’s resumes, and I’m confused as to why on…

My problem is basically this: I did too much stuff too fast and was too successful and so when you look at my resume you are going to think I’m A) a liar, or B) insane. It’s like, almost impossible to believe that I am unemployed when I start talking about all the shit I did and how fast.


The only reason people hire me is because they have to and the only reason they don’t fire me every day is because they can’t afford to, until they can, and then they should, if I don’t fire myself first, which I will if I figure it out before they do.

So, my resume is like “sales: Top performer award.” Why were you successful? I wasn’t really my managers just spent all their political capital with the business office to make me look good. Huh? Yeah. Why? Because, I don’t know. Probably because they didn’t want me to get fired for being bad at sales. Huh? Like they just don’t want to fire people? No they love firing people. My manager fired my sister who I referred. She was great at sales. They just didn’t want to fire me. WhAaat? Why? I don’t know but it had something to do with, I think, that Time the company’s better product managers kept working with me and started recruiting me early to be on their team in the future, or the time I fucked up that huge account and sent a note to the product team explaining how I had fucked up so they wouldn’t get confused and think it had been at all product related, or when that regional woman who everyone was scared of told me “you fucking suck at events,” and then something like, “try not to fuck this other thing up, and don’t quit, because you could be the CEO of this company.”

Thats what work is like for me.

I get a job. People give me a list of things and say “if these happen you get paid and if they don’t you get fired.” I disregard the list. I figure out like four things that have to Happen to fix the company and that I have some way of reaching. I pull those levers. People review my performance in the context of the levers I pull, like the original list of “must dos” never existed.

In school I would never study except for the bits that were going to be on the test.

How would I know which bits?

I never really thought of it that way. I just got interested in the content In the same way the lecturer was interested in it, so I would make sure to study the stuff that they would care about, most of which I slept through in school quite frankly. Cuz I was up late at night and tired during most days.

So I’d get like, D level, C- level scores on all my homework; then i would ace tests and discover that grading rubrics don’t exist. Teachers don’t enjoy giving students who understand the content bad grades. They can’t bear to give students who basically share their passion for the subject a bad grade.

College, intro to Islam, i turned in a paper so damn late and everybody was getting bad grades on theirs. She marked it “A+, down to A for being two months late, what the hell.”

I met with her a couple times for my final essay about Sufist interpretations of distance between humans and god (The Oneness of God) compared to jurist perspectives on this tawhid stuff. She kept scolding me for my slow progress. In the end I never turned the essay in but I learned a lot. Never gave her an explanation. Got an A.

That is the way my career has always been.

My resume should look like this:

  1. I will let you know if you should hire me after we speak.
  2. I will let you know what to pay me.
  3. I am not very good at anything but I am the best you can find for solving really hopeless or stupidly systemic company issues.
  4. You can give me whatever title or job description — I’m going to basically do the same thing no matter what, from any level
  5. You could call references or I’ll just tell you what people think of me, like my last boss, CEO of Inc 500 top 20 company: “I think you’re very lucky. You’re so close to crazy, and but, crucially, not actually crazy, so you’re just smart.”
  6. I guess I’m a good estimator, If you need that. So like it’s betrrr for me to decide if I’ll be successful than for you to decide it. I’m right more often.
  7. By way of example: I remember when I took the ACT test in high school being like “oh that was great, kinda right up my alley,” and when a friend asked how I thought I did i said “I’d guess I got a 32.” That was correct. I didn’t study for the Act test but I do believe I had looked up how it is scored.
  8. I’ve never been surprised by my results on a test. I can score my own tests and tell you what I got right and wrong.
  9. I learned calculus while taking the AP test. Got a D in class and didn’t understand any of it and played bomberman on my ti84 all semester. Took the test on a whim and halfway through I was like “oh my, I totally get it now,” and started erasing answers and went back and fixed them real fast and got a score of 4/5, which is considered better than good enough.
  10. When I entered a student writing award for $10k and a fellowship I knew I would win and started writing my acceptance speech. I won over 666 nationwide entrants.
  11. I have never been surprised like “I think I’ll win this” and then “ah man I didn’t win.”
  12. So I guess I don’t suffer from the dunning Kruger effect. Except maybe with parenting. Like I used to suck and thought I was fine and now I’m great and think I am mediocre. Eh, I guess I don’t suffer from it there either.
One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.