None of the above

Elections are getting trickier. It’s a bit like TV. In the old days, you had just four channels to choose from which meant if there was nothing on – which was most nights – you would simply read a book, engage in pleasant conversation with a fellow human being or stitch a denim Yes patch on your jeans.

If someone had suggested a Netflix type service in 1975 with a gazillion channels available all the time, they would have been rightly burned at the stake as a witch mainly because they would have had to invent high-speed internet at the same time. And remote controls. Politics used to be just Tory or Labour with SNP as a slightly boho alternative north of the border and the Liberals, if you were of a frail disposition, elsewhere.

Voting begins in the Zargon (East) by election on planet Vizgot%2(c)t

And you knew what they all stood for.

Labour were for the working man; Tories were for the toffs. Liberals were for toffs who worried a bit about the working man stealing their tofu while the Nats were either Tartan toff Tories or crazed woad covered psychopaths who were angry that Miss Scotland had never been Miss UK. Simples. But then things happened. Indyref, Brexit, Trump, Top Gear getting axed, Jeremy Corbyn and now it’s really confusing who to vote for so ahead of the big day on June 8, I have compiled this handy guide to voting for the main parties.

LABOUR: Like rickets, they used to be very popular in parts of the north and Scotland. The old joke was that you didn’t count the Labour vote in its heartland, you weighed it which might explain why none of their votes counted at the last election and Ed Milliband always carried a set of scales. You now need the world’s largest microscope just to detect any sign of Labour life in Scotland and very soon it may disappear altogether except for the scary bits of East Lothian.

Jeremy Corbyn was simply a lark invented by Margaret Beckett to make the 2015 leadership contest interesting. And who would have disagreed. The choice was between a two wet lettuces or a really wet lettuce and another lettuce that was slightly drier so Corbz sneaked onto the ballot then won the leadership in a landslide. The only trouble was even Corbz didn’t seem keen on being leader and despite being in Parliament since 1983, he had no idea how politics worked. He also had no support among MPs which can be an issue in Westminster so he had another vote and won by an even bigger landslide. Cue thousands of former Militants and SWP supporters and even a few Commies, who all know a thing or too about infiltration, doing some top rate infiltrating and before you know it, the broad church of the Labour Party looks like the clothing department of a Venezuelan army surplus store and Labour’s shifted so far to the left, Karl Marx is decried as a ‘red Tory’.

Jezza comes across as a kindly old chap who wants everyone to be nice to each other. He has no chance of cutting it in politics.

True fact – You can hear the last remnants of Tony Blair howling ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ if you stand on top of an extinct volcano in the Hebrides.

Main Labour policy: Replace Trident with a giant water pistol and tickling stick built and operated by Unite members in Barrow, Faslane and Portsmouth.

What, me? Leader? Are you sure?

CONSERVATIVES: Toff tastic Tories. The party for the well to do, the aspiring well to do and the ‘I wish I was well to do without worrying about the less well to do’. Chillaxing Dave Cameron created a touchy-feely version of the Tories that served them well in coalition but with him banished to his £20,000 shed in Oxfordshire, the MAY2017 political fembot has been installed.

Her operating system is from the mid-1950s which makes her vulnerable to repeating the same words time after time after time after time. The MAY2017 was designed only to be used in an emergency so the prospect of ‘Mum of the Year’ Andrea Leadsom taking over at No10 led to its activation before it had been properly tested. MAY2017 has a strong and stable operating system which prevents chaos and confusion. (Note: Operating system not suitable for use in European Union and it reverts to Fawning Mode in the US.) The MAY2017 is only to be used for girl jobs like sacking Philip Hammond.

True fact – Theresa May was the original choice to play DI Steve Arnott in Line of Duty but was turned down when she demanded to be auditioned by an officer one rank superior to her.

Main Tory policy: Get elected with a thumping majority so we have less worry about the right wing nutters in our party telling us what to do and we can then implement some mad right wing policies like Brexit.

“I was expecting Nigel Farage. I was making plans for Nigel.”

LIB DEMS: Tim Farron, also known as One of Nine, is the leader of this obscure cult popular in the West Country, the Scottish Borders and the Orkneys. He’s a Christian who exudes goodness and enthusiasm making him ill suited for high office. The good news is there’s no chance of him ever taking high office. He likes Prefab Sprout who come from Durham and had a song called Farron Young and Farron once stood in Durham when he was young and lived in a prefab made of sprouts. That very last bit may be made up but the rest isn’t. Farron’a big advantage is that he’s not Vince Cable.

True fact – the main part of his constituency only exists in the pages of a Kurt Vonnegut book.

Main Lib Dem policy: Make sure Vince Cable doesn’t get elected under any circumstances.

One of us will be Prime Minister one day and we’ll regret that hairspray

SNP: The national party of Scotland, or the Scottish Nationalist Party (geddit?) to anyone in their mid-60s who doesn’t like them, now run all of Scotland but like James Bond’s arch enemy in The World is Not Enough, the world is not enough. They run the all the big councils, they run Holyrood, they have more MPs than all the parties put together with 53 more added but it's not enough.

They have a team that’s just won the Scottish Premier League after an unbeaten season, recently sent a spacecraft made of jam to the Moon and are one of the main ingredients in Irn-Bru (spoiler) but it’s not enough. They demand more. More! MORE!! They’re like a tartan clad, kilt wearing, haggis eating version of Oliver but with a Glaswegian accent. The SNP want us to leave one union because the rest of UK wanted independence from another union while the SNP argue that only through independence from the first union can we become part of the other union. They’re really independent unionist Or unionist independents.

True fact – in 1966, the SNP actually won the UK General Election after they captured every seat in the UK except Scotland due to an admin mix-up. They refused to take their seats in the House of Commons which is why the 66–70 Government was known as the “The Parliament That Was a Bit Shit”.

Main policy: Free entry to see Elaine Smith in panto for anyone over the age of 16 (terms and conditions apply).

UKIP: (See under Tories).

Main policy: Brexit means Brexit means Brexit means Brexit. Oh, and immigrants but we’re not racist. PS. If you want to be leader please let us know. No need for a long term commitment.

GREEN PARTY: (See under SNP for Scotland and Labour for England)

Main policy: Free vegan sandals made from organic asparagus for all.

So there you have it. That’s your choice at General Election 2017, coming to a polling booth near you very soon (except for viewers in Northern Ireland who have their own programmes).

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