10 ways to guarantee you becoming a shittier person

  1. Stop making friends. And for the friends you already have, unload all of your biggest problems onto them on a daily basis.
  2. Start smoking. Who needs lungs, a long life, and widespread social acceptance anyways?
  3. Stop laughing. No, seriously. Get to the doctor and get those unnecessary vocal cords gone.
  4. Start making fun of people. Really. Everyone needs their self-confidence tested. You’re doing a service to society.
  5. Stop helping other people in any way. Stay at home all day and bathe in candy, chips, and bad TV. Make sure you show yourself no respect, especially after having not showered for a week. Bring on the stink.
  6. Start jobs and quit them. There is nothing that says “I am a strong human” more than not being able to stick with something for more than a few weeks.
  7. Stop talking to your family.
  8. Start reading. But make sure it’s only things you write. And only write for yourself. Don’t share anything with anyone. It’s all about you.
  9. Stop begging and start stealing. Nothing is weaker than asking for money when you can just take it.
  10. Start exercising. Annually. And make sure it is extremely intense like a half-marathon or something. Go for the full marathon. The key is to be able to say you did it, not to actually improve your body.
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