Member preview

Dear “Nice Guy,” No One Owes You Anything

Sorry to put it that way, but it’s the truth

“person holding withered bouquet of flowers” by X. K. on Unsplash

As much as I love a nice guy, there is no benefit to being good except for your own sanity and moral.Woman do not owe you their everything, because you are kind, nor does it mean the love of your life will love you forever.

Yes, this could be addressed to anyone. But there is a specific stigma with men and the “Nice Guy.” You know, the “Nice guys finish last” guy? The guy everyone loves, but no one wants to date — friend-zoned guy. The guy locker-room-boys scoff at. In film, it’s the character who’s dumped, at the beginning of the movie, by their self-absorbed, awfully obnoxious girlfriend who will only realize when it’s all too late (meaning, when he moves on to his “It” girl who’s simultaneously down-to-earth, beautiful, and quirky) that he is the best thing that will ever happen to her.

Nice guys, you are a clash of taboo and mystical creatures. And in a time like this, we need more men to deflect the mountainous rape culture that’s seeming to grow…well, in actuality, just being more revealed — BUT, there is still no reward for this.

This is not to be sarcastic or rude

I’ve had too many guy friends tell me that they’re done playing nice guy, because their heart keeps getting broken. They’re retiring their once caring, once sympathetic selves for the “Typical Guy,” because nothing seems to work in their favor.

I had a guy friend I once talked to all the time about his love life, which consisted of girls treating him poorly, showing interest and stopping abruptly. He couldn’t understand why he was such a good guy, yet always treated badly. In return, I showered him with sayings like…

“You don’t deserve that, you deserve better!”

“You’re a good guy and you’ll find someone who will treat you right.”

“Do you know how many girls would kill for a guy like you!”

Though these words of encouragement weren’t totally untrue (you should always seek someone deserving of your time,) I wasn’t saying the right thing. Instead, I was feeding his ego with the idea that just because you do something good, you should get something good right away. Within the next year, me and this same guy gave dating a try! After a couple months, I realized that I ended up treating him the same way the previous girl did. I couldn’t understand, why would I do that? Why would I stop talking to a nice guy? He was a gentlemen, never did anything wrong or unruly. What’s wrong with me? But the answer was simple: I just wasn’t into him.

There is an entitlement men feel they have over women

Men see being the nice or good guy as something to be rewarded, like paying for a girl’s dinner at a date or buying her a drink at the bar, coating her with acts of chivalry in order to receive some form of payback that assumes attention, or a talk, a phone number, or sex. If you feel you should be rewarded for your niceness, then don’t go giving out loans masked as a gesture. Don’t buy a girl a drink and get upset or frustrated when she doesn’t talk to you the whole night.

Understand, you could buy a woman drinks all night and end up hooking up with her like you wanted, or she could take a free drink without so much as a thank you, and she, as an individual is permitted to do so…because she doesn’t owe you!

I had a lover I dated for 4 years, tell me the day we broke up that he wasn’t going to be this guy for any other girl, that he will never be the same, and that he was done being a nice guy. I knew he was saying these words out of anger, for he had a transparent kindness and gentleness to him that was effortless, but it hurt to idealized him putting on a mask to entertained me, only to take it off when no one was looking. It made it seem like his kindness wasn’t a part of his identity. So I began to self-doubt again. How could I leave such a good guy everyone wants? How could I not be with him? In truth, I would have hurt him worse by staying, knowing that I was no longer in love with him in that way.

Nice guys, if this is who you truly are, if this is your character, be it. Understand, that no one owes you anything…not your previous girlfriend, not me, certainly not the next person you’re attracted to. If you are truly that guy, be that guy. But know, being nice won’t surpass rejection. A failure in a relationship does not result to a change of you’re character, instead change those you surround yourself with. Understand that even though you might be a good guy, she still might not be into you. You shouldn’t want a girl to stay with you only because you’re nice.

Be nice, but on your own terms.