How to Not Be a Sexual Predator When Hitting on Women
The secret? Stop “hitting on women”
There’s nothing scarier than jogging down the street and being met with a loud horn, followed by the shouting of obscenities, by some random passerby. While this passerby might have seen this exchange as funny, playful, or as flirting, the female jogger might’ve felt in contrast, frightened, disrespected, or embarrassed.
This is a common interaction between men and women.
Men’s frail attempt to hit on a woman they find attractive and women having to put up with it.
I’m honestly not a fan of being hit on. I like to flirt, I like to be admired by the right company, but I do not like being hit on! As society lingers further from courting, hitting on women has become in my perspective, a sleazy, demeaning insertion into a woman’s private bubble. It’s an overtly direct advance lacking manners, respect, and decor. It usually involves, catcalling, raunchy compliments, an invasion of privacy, shouting across the room, and etc.
And really, there’s no reasonable explanation to invade a woman’s space, scare her, or harass her.
So how should men hit on women? The answer is don’t. Talk to her instead. A simple conversation makes a far better impression then telling her she’s sexy.
Less is more my friends. Less is more.
Of course, this is not all men. I imagine some men receive aggressive advances from women as well. But since I’ve rarely seen those occasions, and can only talk from what I know, I want to address these antics for what they are…predatory behavior. And whether men are oblivious to their harassment or don’t seem to care, it’s honestly quite tiring and frustrating for the receiver, and even from the giver, if you feel you aren’t getting the reaction you desire.
So here are some major no-no’s when trying to get a woman’s attention. What you see as flirting might actually be frightening and alarming.
1. No Catcalling
If you’re still catcalling at this point…you’re an asshole. Simple as that. Do not ever shout a compliment at a woman. There is never a place or time to do so. Not when I’m jogging down the street…especially not when I’m walking anywhere by myself. (I might think you’re trying to harm me.) I don’t care if you’re calling me cutie, I don’t care if you’re telling me my boots are nice. Do not catcall a woman ever. This is not a form of flattery; This is disrespect. It’s embarrassing. Women on any occasion, don’t like to be degraded or humiliated, especially in front of other people. We don’t like to frighten, while simply minding our business. And we certainly don’t like to be lust after by a strange man.
2. No Elongated Stares
Staring at me until I’m forced to make eye contact with you is not the way. So please, do not stare me down across the bar. If I keep making awkward eye contact with you, then looking away, I’m clearly not interested and am probably creeped out by now. This is probably the least effective way to get someone’s attention.
I had a guy once, stare me down at a Starbucks, without so much as looking away when I looked at him. I ordered my coffee, he was staring, waited for it to be made, he was staring, sat down with my coffee and preceded to read, and he was still staring. It was the most unsettling time I’ve ever had. I thought my life was in danger and was also annoyed. Who in their right mind does this? A lot of men, unfortunately.
I don’t think men are fully aware of how transparent their gazes are. Women can tell right away when a guy is intrigued by the look in their eyes. Yes, we see you staring. And sometime this stare gets creepy. Maybe your not trying to be a weirdo. Maybe this is your way to let me know that you’re interested…but it’s not working in the way you want it to.
At this point, I rather you approach me than gawk at me all night. I rather you get your rejection or invitation up front.
Don’t stare women down at the bar, don’t stare them down at Starbucks, don’t stare them down in my car, or when they’re at work. And please don’t look a woman up and down, stick out your tongue, bite your lip, or appear as if you’re drooling…it’s very unappealing. Keep it classy!
3. No Compliments on My Body
Do not holler from three people over in the line of CVS to tell me that I have a nice ass. You have not only defaced me in front of the CVS clerk, my little cousin, and the three people between us, but you have also embarrassed me to the point where I can’t do anything but grimace. It’s exceptionally rude…and I promise the impression you leave is never great. A woman is never going to go home and say…oh wow, that charming guy who told me I had a nice ass in CVS was cute!
The first compliment you give to a woman should never be about her body. She doesn’t know you! I honestly wouldn’t make such compliments until you guys are at a certain level of comfort. It’s not appealing, it’s not what gentlemen do. When your first compliment is of a woman’s “assets”, you’re diminishing her down to an object to be looked upon and used, not as someone you actually have interest in. And for women, it’s an instant warning sign. It grosses us out, and it doesn’t allow us to get comfortable with you.
So please veer away from any body parts. If you’re going to give a genuine compliment, just don’t be weird about it. Men have an exceptional talent to turn a simple compliment of the hair into something vulgar. So just be conscious of that.
There are ways to be flirtatious and interested without complimenting a woman on her body.
4. No Violation Of My Space
If you get nothing else from my article, understand this. Do not intrude on a woman’s personal space. No grabbing her by the wrist, waist, or arm. No touching her hair or caressing her. No abrupt movements, or rearing your face too close to hers. This is the surest way to make someone uncomfortable and only stems from entitlement.
See it from a woman’s perspective. A man has just approached you, someone, who’s potentially bigger, who can overpower you, and might be standing over you. As a woman, you have to access this situation. You have to make sure that this stranger is not trying to harm you. So be respectful of that.
I’m not saying you’re not allowed to lean forward or engage, but if this is your first interaction, allow her the space she needs. If she’s backing away, flinching, or creating space between you in anyway…you are too close.
Touching someone without permission is an immediate violation.
5. Know When To Move On
Finally, if you’re being the good gentlemen that you are, and she still rejects you, get over it and move on. A lot of women, depending on when and where you approach her, will reject you immediately.
It’s nothing personal. No ones out to hurt you or crush your integrity. She’s just not interested. She’s probably minding her business. She will move on from this as quickly as you should.
The truth is, there’s never really an appropriate time or place to hit on a woman. She can be at the bar or at the library, and none of these locations indicate that she’s looking for a man to talk to her.
So if she rejects you, do not keep at it aggressively. This is not some romantic movie. No means no. Don’t keep talking, don’t get angry. Just move on, she doesn’t owe you anything and she didn’t ask for you to approach her.