My Journey Part 2
It’s been a little over a week now while I have been documenting and consciously began moving with a new purpose since the grief of my father’s passing has hit me — notably April 9, 2019. My father passed away on February 27, 2019 and it took many weeks for things to hit me.
It might have been a strong denial phase or the fact that the funeral planning really numbs you down. The fact that the funeral business is much like a car sales process is so ridiculous and mind-numbing.
What type of wood coffin do you want the body to be placed in? Do you want embalming or not? What plot of land do you like? Let me see if that one is available — oh, it is already taken, sorry. How many people do you want? What type of flowers and speech do you want to say?
Unfortunately, that is the responsibility of the next of kin, which was me so we drudge on and just go through the motions and we try to continue that mind-numbness for as long as we can, until we can’t.
And that’s where it all started.
It was prophetic in a way because it allowed me to really seek what was inside of me and how to face my own fears. I can’t say I ever really did or will face my fears of death and existentialism, but it did open them up and allowed me to see them.
I also want to say that therapy is not the end all be all for the healing process. In my scenario, it actually made things a lot worse. My therapist gave me a lot of jarring words that made me breakdown multiple times during the session, which I think is not normal?
Things like things will never be the same, time does not heal, we’re all going to die and nobody knows when. We could be hit by a meteor or a car could run into my house.
Real fun stuff to hear during your first week of breaking down, I know. I think that was the lowest point of my life on Friday after my therapy session and when I became borderline insane and depressed out of my mind. It’s hard to describe, but it feels like your mind and body are being ripped apart — it’s hard to focus on anything and you are losing literal physical sensations. I told my wife Susan that I was not sure I could come back from this breakdown, it was really hard to feel reality anymore.
Fortunately, I recognized that I had to pull myself up not just for my dad, but for my wife, for those who believed in me, and for those who I need to help later on. I couldn't stay stuck in this pit of eternal sadness and I couldn’t stay numb. It was the hardest mountain to climb, but I took the first step towards being normal. I know it is hard for a lot of people to try to take that first step, or even continue on, but know that you are not alone, meditation helps, and people like me are always here to help in any way that we can.