More Thoughts on Suffering

John Spivey
Aug 24, 2017 · 2 min read

As I’ve dealt over the years with the pain in my life — physical and spiritual — I’ve become convinced that the basis for most, if not all of it, is in PTSD. But, calling it PTSD is a very limiting term. What we call PTSD is really the very distillation of great intense fear injected into the body and mind and into the DNA of a person. This fear is usually generated by ongoing threat and stress and usually by another human being. We think of ourselves as distinct individuals with distinct problems and are oblivious to the spiderweb of dark distilled fear that runs through all of us, accumulating over the generations. When people feel these feelings arise they simply act them out and claim that they are being themselves with no idea where the feelings come from. I feel my fathers WW2 experiences in my body and I feel the experiences of my slave ancestors, but I’m not bound by them because I recognize them. My true being is not those feelings and my true being is not my ancestors experiences. Part of what I have to do is recognize these ancestors and their suffering that has led down to me. If I can embrace them without judgement I can help free them and help free me. This is compassion for all beings. Some of my ancestors are slaves and some are slave holders and I have to hold the suffering of both of them close. Close enough to bless it, but not so close it overtakes me. This is the most important thing to understand in life. The most important. We have such twisted notions of what it means to have a self. Having a true self means being able to see all this clearly, being able to hold and bless the suffering close (but not to close), and being able to choose the best path through it all with the least harm. It’s both closeness and practiced separation mediated by great awareness. The epigenetic footprint of PTSD and distilled fear can be changed and there are ways through this maze, but a person has to really want to get to this point of seeing and awareness. Most people want to roll around in their anger and indignation like a pig in mud, which has no resolution other than another roll in the mud. I don’t need anger to motivate me and give me energy. Awareness puts me where I need to be and shows me what to do.

It’s time to end the suffering.

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John Spivey

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Writer and studio furniture maker

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