The Big C

When I started thinking about writing this piece, I had the title in mind immediately. I don’t know why but it just felt fitting. Here I am, facing the biggest health crisis of my life. That’s big. The letter C stands in for the word itself. I don’t like saying the word. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid to say it. I just don’t feel like I’ve accepted it yet.

The C stands for cancer. Last month, I was diagnosed with Primary Mediastinal Large B-Cell Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. One day, I woke up with my left arm stiff and swollen. I went to an urgent care center that night, and they discovered the blood clot in my left arm. They conducted a CT scan to check for blood clots in my lungs, but instead they found enlarged lymph nodes and a mass the size of a golf ball in my chest. The irony of the golf ball shape is not lost on me.

Anyway, this diagnosis appears to be very treatable. I’ve started chemotherapy, and there is a treatment plan in place. I am so thankful for all the people at MD Anderson who have been involved in my care. I also want to thank everyone for the well wishes. There’s a journey ahead, but I’m glad to have all the support.

With that said, I still think that the full weight of my diagnosis has yet to hit me. Cancer is only something that happens in movies or at least not to anyone you know well. Also, I feel fine. Other than the blood clot, I only had minor symptoms at most. But now that chemo has started, I’m beginning to feel the presence of the Big C. My hair is falling out. I’m tired all the time. I’ve lost weight. I am a cancer patient.

Yet, my mind still won’t accept it. Sometimes, I feel as strong as ever. I feel like my productivity is limitless. I feel like this is just another bump in the road, and there’s smooth pavement beyond. In fact, if you’ve seen me in the last couple weeks, you probably would not have guessed that I had Lymphoma. Even if I can no longer hide the physical effects, it will take much more to wear down my spirits.

Please feel free to reach out. When I am in the hospital for my chemo treatments, I have lots of free time. I may not respond immediately, but I will absolutely make an effort to reply when I can. I will also post updates every now and then, so keep an eye out.

To Hell with Cancer.

T Stat Out.