A PASSIONATE SOLILOQUY TO THE

“WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE FOR ME?” CROWD

Hi folks — how’s the barbecue going? Don’t let me slow you down, but this is important — you may not realize it now, but more important than that apple-snorting pig you’re getting ready to devour. This is your polymathic friend John who wanted to take a few minutes to chat with you in a heartfelt manner on some of the goodies that science brings to your lives but, more importantly, to attempt to stanch some of the “stinkin’ thinkin’”1 you guys trade in that really could cause you some real disservice now and down the road. I suppose your first inclination will be to shout me down, heckle me a bit, maybe to even get Ken Ham or Ted Yoho to rough me up a tad before I can get my message out. Well, I’m asking you JUST THIS ONCE to hear me out. Think of me as your guest sermoneer, er, sermontine? …sermonizer. (Just what do you call these people?)

“What has science done for me?” I’m glad you asked, my friends! Thanks to the Neocon movement and the god-given right to not change one’s mind (let alone be mindful) — I think that’s the 27th Amendment to the Constitution…or maybe I got it from the 2008 or 2012 GOP party platform, I dunno — a new movement of “science deniers” has sprung up faster than a nose pimple on a 16 year old girl the afternoon prior to her first date. Who are you people? Why did this happen? Let’s see if we can shed some illuminating fungicide on this darkest of toadstools…

Whenever I see or hear someone parsing an issue like this, my first inclination is to go all “dingo ate my baby!” up in their face. Because when and if I do, I’ll feel eminently better and they’ll never see me again. But I wouldn’t contemplate that for the same sane and simple reason that I wouldn’t hit a war vet sans limbs or smack down a Tourette’s Syndrome sufferer — civility, shame and jail time first come to mind.

When someone posits a question about dissing science, I’m hoping it’s a rhetorical device designed to get people to come up to them for some “man in the street” interview to be shown on Japanese TV over tumblers of cold sake. But alas, it’s usually not. Like Nicole Brown Simpson’s dog, which offered “plaintive howls” when her mistress was murdered (I’m not saying by whom, but c’mon), I’m thinking that perhaps you folks are doing the same thing…a sort of “last call” for psychiatric help and assistance. But you’re not. No, some of you people are subsets of the human race who genuinely think you are starting a conversation with the “other side” — but you’re doing the exact opposite; the conversation ends at that point. Most of the rest of us think this is testament to the deepest, vilest stupidity and ignorance we’ll come up against this or any other year. Outside of the Kardashians, that is.

I mean…REALLY? In 2015 you’re asking this? Haven’t we come farther than that femur-wielding caveman near the end of the movie “2001: A Space Odyssey” who was trying to discern the world around him? (Note to reader: I have it on good authority that, when the cameras were turned off and the crew went home for the day, said caveman reverted back to thinking the moon and the stars were probably the result of some unnamed gods playing godlike skygames with each other.) And what kind of answer are you fishing for? Preferably an answer that can be fished for using only your hands and your teeth — not unlike a bear trying to catch salmon swimming upstream because you know what? I would expect that bear to ask me “What has science done for me?” before an actual human being floated that sucker!

<Sigh> Ok, I’ll bite. Pun intended because I can think of lots of puns (along with haikus, limericks and other rhetorical devices designed to shame you back to a time when science didn’t exist. Wait! Science has ALWAYS existed. It’s just that we mortal humans either weren’t around or weren’t advanced enough to recognize the fact.

You know what? Even science “deniers” from medieval times recognized that science had a place — they just couldn’t say so in public for fear of excommunication, or of having their limbs ceremoniously separated from their body (one-by-one or all at once — your choice!) or their body being used for pre-da Vincian barbecue. (Does honey mustard go with roast peasant?)

The mere fact that you’re alive and relatively healthy — corporeally so, I’ll leave the “mentally” part to the imagination of my readers — wholly supports the fact science exists. In the last century alone, the average lifespan for a man or woman in a first world country has gone up nearly 30 years. What do you call that? Luck? Divination? Any time you’ve seen a doctor, received a vaccination, taken a pill or stayed in the hospital…science has been at your side. And I am not talking about that cutie Nurse Betty. Although she helped. That car you’re driving didn’t manufacture itself, dearie. Those pantyhose weren’t spit out by silkworms — although that’s science in its own right. And buddy, that correctly-inflated football you’re tossing around with Jethro is a result of in-depth Belichickian inflation science. In fact, everything you own was produced by someone or something utilizing scientific principles, methods and devices.

Let’s widen the scope somewhat, shall we? Everything man-made was deemed possible through the inexorable guise of science. And let’s crank this baby’s aperture up to the max: Most everything you see around you — man-made or nature-made — is part and parcel a result of science. No, space aliens did not carve the Grand Canyon or tint up Donald Trump’s hair. I’m saying this for the last time! And, if you really want to know, I’ll bet the man upstairs gets down on his holy knees every day thanking science for helping him put this mortal coil together. OK, the “man upstairs” is a wino deadbeat dad with holes in his jeans and is on the lam, but you get my gist.

I have to wonder — do they NOT teach science in school anymore? I mean, I got my first dose of lip-smacking sweet science in elementary school, where a hulking gentle giant of a man named Mr. Branner first enjoined me to understand the simple machines, like the block and tackle, the lever and the screw — you know, the things that helped build the Pyramids, the Parthenon and Little Vinny’s Pizza Palace just outside the Colosseum where, for just a few shekels, you could have a piece of pie and a brewski while you watched your fave gladiator get friendly with a hungry lion.

This noble experience actually followed me through the next decade and a half of book learnin’ where I got to immerse myself in biology, chemistry, physics and a whole other slew of sciencey subjects that made life running a meth lab so enjoyable and profitable. Heyyyy — I’m kidding! <wink>

I’ll venture to say that science is still being taught in school. So, I’m going to surmise that you barbecue-goers either didn’t listen up in class, didn’t attend class or, because of some perverse sexual act perpetrated on the school principal, were able to graduate in any given year, or maybe y’all just “humored” the old science teacher by answering his questions with the answers he was looking for, albeit with a knowing smirk. I’ll bet some of you people had a secret cabal where you met behind the school gym on sunny days and told each other that they had passed the science test — “It was a loathsome thing! I had to absolutely GAG to say that sodium plus chloride in equal parts equals salt!” I’ll wager that you made a blood bond to just go along with the rest of the deniers and say science was “a thing” until such time as you became adults and could find other adults who agreed with you — and VOILA! Here we are! — And pour out a lifetime of guilt and shame whereby you wailed that you were FORCED AND COERCED to speak the word “science” and extol its virtues! Am I getting warm?

OK, I’ll be the first to say that our grandiose federal government has not made it easy for non-nimble-minded individuals to line up behind deeply rooted conservative like-minded imbeciles, er, “leaders” and deny things like climate change and global warming, evolution, vaccination benefits, and how babies are made. (In mommies’ tummies, btw) And, thanks to the “Tea Party” bloviators out there, we have more than our fair share of male conservative politicians who think they know more about a woman’s body than my buddy Dr. Shizzy Van Impe, our corner OBGYN. “Rape is nature’s way of telling you to wear five sets of panties, darlin’,” should not be what these guys use for campaign slogans, knowwuttameen?

Our government — heck, not just the federal but all levels — has gotten so big, has lied to us so often, has put special interests and corporations before the needs of the people ubiquitously, that it would be de rigeur to take a stand and shake one’s callused, gnarly fist at our slowly disintegrating democratic system of government. But that approach would be too easy and, well frankly, would be borne of not utilizing the “Level 2” brain Daniel Kahneman extols in his masterpiece “Thinking Fast and Slow.” Which is, by the way, another (ho hum) science book.

Do we have some bad scientists? You bet. It’s an occupation comprised of human beings, with all the frailties, biases, prejudices and stink-eyes that other human beings in other occupations have. But, like so many other occupations, bad scientists and the bad science they extol are usually kept de minimis. The neat thing about all this is that, through the rules science has laid out for itself, how it conducts itself, and how it promotes itself and the science it perpetuates — the bad eggs are usually found quickly enough and discredited. It’ not unlike an “internal police investigation,” just without all the fraud, cover-ups and the obligatory “wall of silence.”

In fact, let’s talk about scientists as a group entity here. The average scientist guy or gal is, if not cynical, then very much a skeptic. Scientists and scientific organizations LIVE to prove each other wrong. If you’ve ever seen a movie or read a book about a famous scientist — and they were usually “famous” because of some wild-ass, life-changing discovery — the drama of the piece usually revolved around the plot line of proving their “AHA! moment” to the other skeptics within some ivy-covered bastion of higher learning. Bottom line: It takes a lot of work, lot of scientific ability and research, a lot of EVIDENCE that can be backed up with experiments, results, time lines and a lot of other good shit you probably were taught in 7th grade (before you learned how to make a quasi-rocket ship using the cool Bunsen burner and a beaker), then a lot of determination to bring a new scientific theory or postulate to light…and then keep it there.

But what about “facts” you ask? Now you’re asking questions and that’s a good thing. Believe it or not, there are relatively few scientific “facts” that are etched in stone, as it were. For example, Einstein’s Theory of Relativity kinda blew a lot of Sir Isaac Newton’s work out of the water — work that had stood the test of time for over 250 years…or about the same time interval since the first George Bush was president. No, scientific facts are held in high regard and exist ever so tenuously. We talk about gravity like it’s our conjoined twin, but we call it the “Theory of Gravity” for a reason. We can’t prove it. Yet. And there in lies the rub (I’ve been working to get a Shakespearean reference in here and I have triumphed!).

It’s SOOOOOO easy for you to say, “I believe” or “I don’t believe.” Many of you, in fact, go on to say such-and-such is real, a fact, and you’ll never be coerced to change your mind. Well, all I can say to that is, “look around you.” Most every scientific thing that we’ve been talking about has evolved through change, people changing their minds, people critically thinking about stuff. Let me ask you: Why do some of you believe the world is only 6000 years old? Do you have proof? Is there evidence of this “fact?” You say you don’t need evidence? That just some people occupying some rung of authority in our culture say so, and that’s that? Well, OK, but that won’t get you the Nobel Prize for anything but ignorance or farce.

To deny the work of someone of the stature of Carl Sagan, for example, who helped us realize how small we are through (again — DAMN!) science, that we are miniscule, nay, infinitesimal against the likes of the whole of the universe is akin to saying that we shouldn’t ask such tough and thought-provoking questions. Of course, he made a lot of his claims after he had utilized telescopy thingies that were made with really, really big mirrors and thick lenses which, by and large, were borne by science. Oh excuse me; I think I was talking to a two year old for a second. Sorry.

It’s not my place to have to defend a bearded thinker like Charles Darwin who first postulated the concept of evolution. Because he’s not here to defend himself, it has become somewhat of a parlor game nowadays to poke holes in a more than 150-year-old concept and theory. Of course, we cannot say evolution is “fact.” In fact (again pun intended — this is fun!), I will reiterate that very few of our scientific principles, devices and concepts can be thought of as fact. That’s the beauty of it — we may never know what is fact and what is fiction. But we owe it to humankind to find out. We need to ask these questions. I know one thing: we won’t go backwards, like “telling-wild-stories-around-a-campfire-in-the-desert-while-the-camels-are-being-fed-stories-of-ages-past” backwards.

Take it from me, I won’t tell you that science has always used its powers for good. Three words: Fruit Roll-Ups®. What kind of parent would buy a chemical-filled candy substitute for real fruit? That costs more than real fruit! “Here, Sammy. I know it’s tough to have to reach into the crisper and pull out a nice, tasty, delicious apple after school. So I got you this sticky, candy-like roll of carbs which are guaranteed to make you fail third period phys-ed. And don’t get me started on the Nazis! Dr. Mengele? Dr. Shmengele! I’m sure if I had run up against that dude, I’d be a Catholic Cardinal by the time I was 30! Holy shit! Bad science? You bet your eviscerated sexual organs it’s bad science! Yep, we have had our share of quacks, charlatans and snake oil salesmen when it comes to bad science. But that’s the price you have to pay to advance. Wanna compare science to the Catholic Church? No, didn’t think so.

But that shouldn’t deter us from our quest to learn more about the world. Without science, your computer wouldn’t exist, let alone your 30-watt, 5 speed recoilless vibrator with a talking head. That smart phone you’re fondling like your ex-boyfriends genitals would be just another Sony Walkman…or worse. Maybe just a block of wood. That plane you may have flown in if you weren’t so afraid your divinity would smote — is that a word? — it from the sky with thunder bolts — SCIENCE! — is the redheaded stepchild of science. I don’t know what that means, but I think people in West Virginia do.

I know it’s taken longer to find a cure for cancer than it takes for Rosy O’Donnell to lose 70 pounds, but we have to keep trying. Most all of the other shit that’s ravaged our bodies over the years — from the Bubonic Plague, to Smallpox, to tramp stamp tattoos — has or can be eradicated through proper vaccination…which is a fancy word for…you guessed it…SCIENCE! So what is it with you people and vaccinations? “Oh, we’re having it sooooo good now in America. Terrorism, rampant-out-of-control government, a middle class dried up more than a box of Sunkist raisins in the Mohave Desert, no immigration policy to speak of. So I have an idea! LET’S STOP VACCINATING OUR CHILDREN! <snap!> Let’s really try the patience of all those people who MISTAKENLY THOUGHT measles, whooping cough and smallpox were a thing of the past! I mean, we did it before…we can do it again, right? By the way, can you pick Kelly up from school today? I’m stuck at work and she has some kind of raging fever…thanks.

But let’s talk about YOU some more, anti-science boys and girls. We’ve already talked about your computers and smart phones — I know that’s 95% of your life…BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! You know that Double Skinny Mocha Venti Latte Soy With An Extra Shot drinkie-poo you order before you haul your ass into work every day? How do you think that was brewed? Ok, yeah a 17-year-old high school dropout named “Ben the barista” who wants to develop unheard-of social apps for a living, but still…a machine! Actually, a few machines! And your credit card magically was debited by god! No, actually the Visa fairy. So you’re at work and REALLY? YOU’RE STILL THE ONLY ONE USING AN ABACUS? (which is science). Don’t go near that copier-cum-fax-cum-comms-cum-sorting-hub in the corner. Use carbon paper (uh, science). Got a health plan? (science) A 401k? (more science) And I guess you’ll never go on vacation…(still science)

What cured that leather you’re wearing? No, your leather isn’t sick, you moron. Your shoes, my man — not that onesy with the bandolier under your shirt…(science). That hat you wear backwards is a thing of science! That overpriced gym you frequent where you pretend you work out is a temple to science! That six-pack of suds you imbibe wasn’t boiled in a cauldron on Borneo (but that would still be science anyway if it were true).

Are you starting to see the light? (That’s science too…light is a multi-visual spectrum of-…heck, you can read about it. IN A FREAKIN’ SCIENCE BOOK!). Let me be serious for a moment — Your question shouldn’t be, “What has science done for me?” It should be more along the lines of, “How can I live my life with an open mind…a critical mind…a questioning mind?” Really and truly. I’m not here to tell you what to believe, what not to believe, what is true, or what isn’t. That’s not my place. I don’t want to play the part Michael Rennie (and later, Keanu Reeves) played of the alien who traveled to earth to warn unbelieving, unchanging earthlings that the earth is doomed unless they changed their aggressive, warlike ways in “The Day the Earth Stood Still.” Don’t worry, the only difference between you and the “unbelieving, unchanging earthlings” is that they were the majority at the time; you guys are in what we affectionately call “the lunatic fringe.”

You’re a big boy or girl — you can decide for yourself. All we ask is that, if you want to hurt yourselves, go ahead — but don’t maim the rest of us with your “insights.” If you haven’t believed a word I’ve said up until now, all I ask you to do is contemplate where we’ve been (since the dawn of history, say) to right-the-hell here and now. Do you think for a second we will regress to a “flat earth” paradigm or a “sun revolving around the earth” meme or “the goddess of flowers put on quite a show this spring, didn’t she” bit of whimsy? No, not even if you were the reincarnation of <gulp> Ted Cruz would you think such a thing. At least I hope not. I’m hopeful and optimistic about you.

Hey, this barbecue has been delicious — that pig was a thing of beauty! And I couldn’t hold another bite of slaw or beans even if I had the constitution of Chris Christie! And trust me — that man can rewrite a constitution! Thank you — I’ll be here all week! I could go on and on ad nauseum, but I can see that the subject of science is effectively shutting your few remaining synapses down.

So, let me query you: Are you going to keep aping popular memes without any real evidence based on either some level of claimed expertise? Are you going to simply regurgitate anecdotes as though they’re objective reality? Of course, you may claim you don’t believe in objective reality either. When that point is reached, game over my friend.

The beautiful thing in speaking to you, non-believers, is that it really matters not whether you think I’m right or wrong. As I like to say, whether you believe in little green men from Mars, or if you don’t — you’re both right. The way I see it, there are actually three ways to go here:

1. You can develop a scientific mind of sorts — start to do experiments using a form of the scientific method on most anything in your life. Why does water run downhill? Why does the sun set in the west? Do Mentos® REALLY explode in a half gallon of Coca-Cola®? Develop some theories. Hell, post them to your heart’s content — god knows you have the social media apps and outlets to do THAT. And I know where you can get some lab coats really cheap.

Don’t jump in the water all at once, y’all. Dip your toe a little. Start slowly. Test yourself. You can even do some “if, then” experiments.” For example, “if the sun comes up tomorrow morning, then the world has not ended.” Then go test your theory: step outside (first bit of evidence). Then turn on the TV, read some newsy websites. Nobody said anything? (second bit of evidence). No nuclear cloud in the distance? No volcanic ash in the sky? You’re on your goddamned way, brother! You may have the makings to be a scientist after all!

2. Barring that, you can learn to ask simple questions. Even to other people! I know you’ll probably lose some friends but, hey, Gronk and his family eventually moved away from his cave to start a new settlement downstream back in the day. Learn how to be a critical thinker. Do you REALLY believe the ONLY way this ball of rock was formed was the way it was described in the heretofore-mentioned bunch of collated stories derived from those desert campfires eons ago?

3. And, of course, you can do nothing. Take the easy way out. Take everything I’ve said and throw it out the window. But even THAT won’t negate the truth of the matter, or the research which has been done on most anything you pooh-pooh (not a scientific term) — that most of what you see around you didn’t stem from your beliefs or your willingness to listen to a bunch of people who, although you may have a deep affinity for, don’t know the first thing about the scientific method and how we really got where we are today.

Like I said before, I’m optimistic about this whole thing. Therefore, let me leave you with a little thought experiment (definition: a philosophical mind game enticing you to think), OK? Here it is…read carefully (even this font was scientifically developed just so you could read this):

The news media has just reported that a fiery comet the size of Rhode Island is barreling towards earth. Actually towards you and your loved ones. Don’t ask me how they know, but I’ll venture a guess that a guy in a white lab coat somewhere passed some information on. Anyway, you and your extended family are offered a choice — a kind of “The Lady or The Tiger” choice: All of your family can meet up at the corner of Main and Elm on Tuesday morning at 6am (I know it’s early, just don’t eat Mexican the night before) to hop aboard the most wondrous of space ships to take you to safety. No questions asked. No payment required at this time. I think we’re traveling to the planet Kal-scifi, in the galaxy Komedi Centralus, but don’t hold me to it. Or, on the other hand, you can hold firm to your beliefs, stay home, have some waffles and bacon, and you and your family will be decimated to space dust in a twinkling of an eye at, say, 10pm that evening. Look on the bright side — you get to have a last wondrous breakfast and 16 more hours to talk yourselves silly with the “I’m so glad I stood my ground on this science thing” while the rest of mankind flies away to a new beginning. Dare I ask…what would you choose? Science, faith, or something unicorn-like?

1 Special thanks to the late Zig Ziglar, who made this aphorism famous.

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