Announcing the Soft Launch of THE SHOCKER
Why haven’t you paid us yet?
THE SHOCKER will enter your world with quiet violence, it will shoot off so gently that it makes an infant’s bottom feel like broken glass. This is the only proper way to launch, softly, and we will only be proper here, which is to say that we will be disgusting because anything else would be deceitful.
THE SHOCKER is a site about the dreams of a blue dog, who we don’t know if he’ll ever wake up, he’s been sleeping quite a while. His mind is vast and we will bring you its subconscious perspective on the world that you already know and read about all too consciously every day. Any explanation of our site more specific than this would be revealing our proprietary hold on you, the reader, so you’ll have to pay us for more information. We love money.
We’ve already had Corbin Smith warn us about the effects that wolves may have on our children, last week, when we also reviewed Draymond Green’s penis. Damon Agnos, additionally, told us about the time the Yankees tried to murder Alex Rodriguez.
Soon we will start assaulting brands, unless they pay us $100 not to. If they pay us $200 when attack posts already exist, we will remove them. For $300, we will also happily write attacks against their competitors. Barring payment, the beer Shock Top will feel the wrath of THE SHOCKER’s Andrew Crowley later this week, at least in part because we don’t like their name treading so close to ours. The blue dog’s sleep is not always peaceful, sometimes it is quite territorial and it pisses all over the world. This is why Ryland Duncan wrote so vengefully toward the (rightfully) forgotten Spider-Man foe The Shocker yesterday.
Our publication patterns will be stupid as hell and things will generally not be very professional, and we will try our very best to annoy you at all times, because we’re a disgrace and because you’re not giving us your money right now. You can start paying us, however you want, as soon as you like. Some future times, THE SHOCKER will have even more content for you, though, and it will be free because we fear too much a world in which the blue dog’s dreams are not broadcast.
OKAY here’s some other things you should know right now: crying is tight, sadness is dope, vomiting is heroic, everyone who works here is either a virgin or bad at sex (terrible!), brands will be killed, and please give us your money.
Originally published at medium.com on August 16, 2016.