7 Clients Who Have Come Straight From a Horror Movie

This Halloween, as witching hour draws near, we’re bringing you face to face with horror. Vampires? Ghosts? Things that go bump in the night? No — we’re talking about clients. But it turns out the worst of those have more in common with horror movie monsters than you might think…

The Vampire

You know this client all too well — whether they offer you “work on spec” and “exposure” beyond your wildest dreams, or simply turn into a bat and fly away into the night, the bottom line is the same. They’re draining you. They might leave your blood behind, but that’s about all you’ll have left by the time you’ve finished with this client.

The Ghost

You’ve talked to the client, planned the project and all appears to be going well…And then — radio silence? They’re ignoring your calls and emails, and it all feels a bit too much like that time your first boyfriend dumped you in the sixth grade. But before we jump to any conclusions including the words “inconsiderate” and “time-waster”, you have to consider they could be a ghost who has finally resolved their unfinished business and escaped from their earthly bounds.

The Thing That Goes Beep in the Night

You’re sound asleep when suddenly you’re woken by a terrifying, unearthly noise. All manner of thoughts fill your head. Is it a banshee? A poltergeist? A werewolf howling into the night?

Oh no, it’s just a client who think it’s acceptable to text you at 3:47 am.

The Snake

“HAVE YOU MOVED THAT PIXEL YET?” This sentence can strike fear into the heart of any freelancer, particularly when the client appears to have dropped down from the ceiling rafters to hiss it into your unsuspecting ear.

Apparently able to sneak into any room or bypass any social media block, this client is watching your every move to make sure you do everything exactly the way they want. Their micromanaging (and their flexibility) is out of control.

The Body Snatcher

A rare specimen, the body snatcher can most commonly be found in those most populous of human environments — the corporate office. You’ve been freelancing for a company and have been working with the same staff member for a while. They’re a great contact — patient, open-minded and responsive. But suddenly it all changes. There’s been a “re-shuffle” and you’re put in touch with a new point of contact. This one is quite the opposite and what’s worse is they can transform into any of the other monsters on this list at will!

The Dementor

You’ve handed this client a shining beacon of creativity as the finished project. “Unfortunately” it hasn’t passed the committee review and you’re going to have to make a few “tiny” changes. These “really quite minor” revisions will quite literally suck the soul from your work, and leave it a dry husk of what it once was.

The Power-Hungry AI

You will do exactly as they say because they know everything about design/music/whatever it is you’re doing. They basically don’t need you. If they put their mind to it, they could be a graphic designer. So do exactly what they say.

Unfortunately, they’re also hyper-logical and don’t have a shred of creativity in their metallic plating…Sorry I mean bones.

Enough horror for one Halloween?

Now we’ve got you quaking in your boots, you probably want to know how to exorcise these clients from your life. Here are some handy monster-slaying guides.

Why you should fire bad freelance clients

How to avoid payment problems as a freelancer

How to deal with nightmare clients


Originally published at blog.twine.fm on October 31, 2016.

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