Remember to Breathe pt. 1
Wanting to fade away since the age of 10; purposefully starving myself or sleeping with a pillow over my head. Even at 10, I felt suffocated by the world, the world that stared with disdain look because of the color of my skin, my gender, my place of origin. Feeling unwanted, I hated myself and the world that cursed me. To show my gratitude, I began to hurt myself, starving and pumping my body with unhealthy products, cursed those around me, and ruined my eyesight so I couldn’t see how hateful my world had become.
By 20, I was so sick and filled with hatred that I couldn’t stand the sound of my own voice. I wanted to end it, all the self -inflicted suffering, so I stood in the middle of a road and waited, waited for it to end, but when I opened my eyes I was on a beach with sand between my toes and snow trickling down. A voice whispers, breathe, inhale and exhale. When I do, everything around me shatters; I’m being pulled back away from the beach and the road. I see myself at 10 suffocating, closing my ears to a voice, a voice telling me to breathe, but before I could react I’m jolted back to my dark dorm, my alarm goes off with a note attached:
To Future Jo-
I hope you’re reading this, it’s your wake-up call, stop hurting yourself, try talking out your problems, don’t internalize everything, you’re doing the best you can, the world is not after you, YOU’RE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN! Oh, don’t forget to eat and remember to breathe.
- I Love You,
Past Jo, September 24, 2010
Joycelyn Ghansah is an ordinary woman with extraordinary ideas who is learning to find her voice through blogging about sexual health and hopes to open a conversation about sexual rights and taboos through her blog Can We Talk. You can tweet her #ItweetaboutAsianDramasALOT! #notsorry