What To Blame Your Misfortunes On When Mercury Retrograde Ends

It’s easy to blame your random outbursts of horrible stress on Mercury being in retrograde. It’s the obvious cause to bad things happening that totally wouldn’t happen if Mercury just decided to be normal for once.
Your Split Ends
A lot of us cope with things by playing with our hair. Whether it be by braiding it or chewing it- it does NOT help if it’s not silky smooth. Split ends only remind you of how you can’t afford a nice haircut. Which is honestly really rude!
Waking Up Drowsy
It can be hard facing the day when you get less than eight hours of sleep. And let’s be real- none of us ever get more than six. When you take a melatonin pill, you need to sleep for at least six hours afterwards, but none of us can fall asleep naturally when we know who is in the White House. So we wake up with only having slept five hours and cry like a baby but IT’S FINE. It’s not OUR fault.
Slow Pedestrians
Everyday we run into situations where the people in front of us on the sidewalk really grind our gears because they seem to be waking about the same pace as a snail on muscle relaxers. We then miss our train by a hair or get pooped on by a goddamned pigeon and it’s all Mr.LetMeTakeMySweetTime’s fault. He sucks!
That Friend That Makes Everything About Them
We all have that friend who openly cries for attention. Which is, like, cool of them to go for what they want, but sometimes it can be overwhelming to be around. They’re crying about having to go to work and won’t read the news because, “it’s just too much [for them] to handle.” Their bubble of privilege can be really hard to stomach, but we have to be strong and try to point out their plethora of first-world problems before T*ump sets the world aflame while they’re complaining about how their friend won’t give them their login for Hulu+ even though they let them use it a year ago and now they need it again because Bob’s Burgers is off Netflix. Maybe they’ll eventually come around, but for now- they’re the reason our lives frickin SUCK!!
The Full Moon
Men turn into werewolves on the full moon, so it only makes sense for your manager to turn into a soul sucking monster then, too. He’s always been slightly misogynistic, but today he’s going rogue. Telling you to calm down or to relax when you’re being completely rational- especially considering there’s a FULL MOON going on! How can we be blamed for our harmless passive aggression when our boss has turned full beast?! We simply cannot be!
We’re all guilty of feeling stressed out and googling to see if Mercury is in retrograde and finding out that it is not. Which is COOL because now we have these other things to blame stuff on! Stay safe until September 5th, guys. The good energy from the eclipse should last you.
