A Helpful Guide to Annoying Your Co-Workers | By Nia Alavezos
Are you one of the millions of earth’s inhabitants who have some mundane 9–5 job — where instead of working in a cubicle, you share what little space you have on a row of wobbly mismatching desks with a bunch of millennials? Do you often find yourself incredibly bored staring at a dated Windows computer waiting for something interesting to happen?
Well, fear no more, as I have compiled a thoroughly detailed guide to help you gain confidence in aggravating even the most dedicated co-worker.
Follow these seven easy steps and you’ll soon become the most hated individual in your office.
1. Tell your co-workers about your extravagant weekend even though no one asked –
For this initial step you really need to give it your all. Obviously the best day to do this is on a Monday. It must be done FIRST thing in the morning; if you wait any longer the effect will dwindle.
There’s always a mourning period upon entering the office at the beginning of the week. You can best recognize this as some of your office mates sluggishly entering the office and staring in utter disbelief at their computer screens, unable to accept how fast their weekends have passed.
Now is your chance — go up to your pal, and ask how their weekend was. Before they can muster a reply, start telling them about yours, interrupting them at full force.
What time did you wake up on Saturday? What sort of useless things did your cat do that you think is relevant to share? What did you eat for dinner? Did you have brunch with your grandmother? Are there any other super personal facts you left out?
How the conversation should NEVER go:
“Hey, Doug — how was your weekend?”
“Pretty good, yours?”
Now if you really want to shove the knife deeper into the souls of those you work with — repeat the same thing to literally everyone who walks in, and as loudly as you possibly can. Memorize your weekend speech before you leave your house, and repeat it word for word. By the time you head out for the day, everyone in the office will have your words engraved in their memories.
2. Decide the kitchen is the best place for really important meetings –
This step is made to catch people off guard. It might even scare them so badly that they’re paralyzed in fear, seeking refuge in the corner of the kitchen as you berate them with silly questions you could’ve easily waited 5–10 minutes to ask.
Those more susceptible to this tactic are coffee and tea drinkers. Though anyone who frequents the kitchen to blow their nose periodically, rummages through the cabinets making sure to slam them shut whenever possible for no reason whatsoever, and free food vultures are also good targets.
The easiest way to achieve this step is to monitor the chosen co-workers movements throughout the day. Do you have a question you’ve been meaning to ask them but just didn’t know the right time? Have you been waiting for them to turn in that revision to the assignment that was due at noon? Don’t bother asking about it when they’re at their desks — as soon as they get up you must attack. Creep up behind them, walking suspiciously close, before making your inquiries.
Please note: The kitchen is an optimum location, but anywhere in the office that is not their desk will also suffice (hallways, next to your boss’s office, right in front of the building entrance, etc).
It’s also important to mention that if you can, try blocking other people’s paths in the office so they too are forced to listen to your mini impromptu conference until you’re done.
3. Start small talk while using the bathroom –
This can be a continuation of step two, if you want to take things a wee bit further. You could even ask the aforementioned questions or begin your monologue about how wonderful your weekend was whilst trapping your co-worker in the bathroom — it’s all up to you.
This step can most certainly be achieved any day of the week — it’s almost like playing roulette, wondering whose day you will ruin during your quick bathroom break.
Some things to ask yourself while using the bathroom:
· Is now a good time to ask your mate how their dating life is going?
· Should I complement my co-workers shoes while on the toilet?
· Do I try to hold a conversation while I am peeing? Is it OK to shout if I’m peeing too loud?
· Can I look at my co-worker right in the eyes while washing my hands?
· When is a good time to ask where my co-workers wants to go to lunch?
· Should I discuss how bad traffic was this morning?
The obvious answer to all of these is an astounding YES and it should ALWAYS be asked in the bathroom. Try to pack in as much small talk as possible during your time in there. The longer you can keep someone confined to the urinals, the better.
4. Refuse to take a sick day –
This could quite possibly be the easiest step of them all. Have you been feeling a wee bit queasy lately? Has your nose been stuffed so bad that you can barely taste the boring breakfast that you shoved in your mouth this morning? Well — instead of staying home to take one of the paid sick days you haven’t used in 5 years, it’s time to buckle up and head to work.
You might even entertain the idea of driving to work looking like death’s new best friend; equipped with pale visage, fever, runny nose, and contagious new cough. Whatever works!
Most of your co-workers will grimace when you walk in the door and tell you to go home immediately if you’ve coughed more than twenty times in the last five minutes, but you should respectfully refuse. No one will want to come near you but you can reassure them by uttering the famous, “I’m not that sick” line.
If you have any important meetings scheduled the day you decide to come into work, it’s a priority that you sit near everyone and cough in their personal space. Did Tim forget his pen? Throw the one you’ve been chewing on all day at him and insist that he can borrow it. I’m sure he won’t mind!
5. Bring in smelly food to microwave for lunch –
If you haven’t grossed out your co-workers yet, this step will definitely have them secretly wishing you were sacked (or murdered). There’s no use microwaving food that would stink up your own apartment, it’s best to bring that food into work and heat it up in the shared office kitchen. Not only must you bring in smelly leftovers, but you have to ensure that you will be hogging the microwave for at least 5–10 minutes during peak lunch times.
An added bonus: Just when your co-workers think your time hogging the microwave is up — check to see if the food is heated, shake your head, and put the food back in there for another 2–3 minutes.
Do you have any of the following food items in your personal fridge, just waiting to be eaten at work?
· Hard Boiled Eggs
· Brussel Sprouts
· Limburger cheese
Always aspire to be like Joe, who last month, microwaved some Swedish fish he bought at IKEA, and stunk up the office for over week — the smell still lingers if you pay close attention.
Joe salutes you for your hard work and dedication.
6. Leave what you think are delicious food giveaways in the kitchen, but are really expired –
There’s nothing more depressing to your fellow co-workers than finding out there’s free food in the kitchen to discover it’s actually stale and a few weeks old.
If you have any useless foods in your kitchen at home that you’re:
a) Too lazy to disregard even though its past the expiration date and
b) Guilty you wasted money buying it in the first place
Then it’s important you bring those into the office and leave the goodies up for grabs for your fellow work mates. Watch your employees run to the kitchen at your “free food” email and see the disappointment cripple them for the rest of the day.
When someone else is so generous to leave cake or donuts in the kitchen, then you must wait until there’s only a few left and eat only half a donut or leave large crumbled bits of the last remains of the dessert all over the counter for your co-workers to discover in horror.
It’s also a thrill to trick your co-workers and leave a large Chipotle bag in the kitchen — but in reality, inside are 5–10 broken chips and an empty carton of guacamole.
7. Listen to music obnoxiously loud at your desk –
Yes — you are correct, no one wants to hear Cher’s “Believe” screaming from someone’s headphones on continuous repeat for an hour in a half, but someone has to do it. And you guessed it, that someone is you.
It’s imperative you buy large, faulty headphones; the type that even if you listen to music on the lowest possible volume, your co-worker next to you will hear everything.
Throughout the day blare some of your favorite tunes — if you know someone in the office hates ABBA, then it’s crucial you pick random days throughout the week to blare their greatest hits. It also helps if you listen to your favorite obscure tunes from Big Band swing to hardcore gangster rap. Program your own concert for the whole office to hear — when you leave your desk, hide your headphones, but leave the music on at full volume; this will surely keep your co-workers entertained.
Don’t be surprised to discover your desk is in flames upon your return, and your co-workers clueless as to how that happened.
I truly hope this guide will serve you well in the workplace.