Friends! Welcome back. Tmt again. For those who don’t know, that’s short for “Temitayo”. I’m writing the prelude to Jola’s hilarious account of NYSC because she did the same thing for my diary entries but mostly because this is another vanity project for me.
I’m also a little conflicted because I’m trying really hard to not make this whole thing about me.
That being said, I give you Jola. Enjoy.
“If you are going through hell, keep going.” -Winston Churchill
5/27/2017 Day 3 — They call me short devil.
- Get woken up by a noise-making, inconsiderate, guinea fowl of a human being at 3:00 am screeching (singing) about the love of Christ because she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using personal devotion to God as a disturbance — check
2. Realise that breakfast food options in mami market are rice or swallow or noodles… as per same as lunch or dinner — Check
3. Sigh and decide to eat suya chicken instead — check
4. Get sworn in as a corper in the most tedious, razz, unnecessarily long and pointless ceremony to ever exist, in the worst “Kai I look like a dunce” ass outfit ever. — check
5. Spend about 3 hours learning raunchy and/or funny songs for “high morale” from soldiers, platoon commanders & man o’ war personnel while marching — check
6. Meet a soldier called “short devil” — check
7. Realise why he’s called short devil after he puts your platoon through drills — check
8. Threaten to wake up in the night to bite and spit on someone (I meant it too) if she placed her bunk bed in the space next to you, blocking one of the 3 passageways left in the room you share with over 200 babes — check
9. Get called a Yoruba witch because of small bite threat — check
10. Agree that you’re a Yoruba witch — check
11. Find a new indomie plug since the old one wants to start acting brand new because he “get plenty customer abeg no dey give me too much instruction this no be restaurant”- check
12. Convince your new plug (who’s indomie was great btw) to make akara the next morning — check
13. Unlock new pidgin levels — check
14. Try to dodge even more people by looking as inconspicuous as possible — check
15. Fail at the above… again — check
16. Get exasperated all over again when you remember you share a room with over 200 women — check
17. Sleep while thinking about calling your friend and tell them about your weird ass day because you’re just that exhausted — check
18. Food diary
19. Suya chicken
20. 2 apples
21. Roasted corn
22. Fried yam and pepper sauce
5/27/2017] Day 4 — Farudtropreneurs and hustlers
So you’ve probably noticed that the number of women in sharing my room with is decreasing. That’s because they’ve opened another room so maybe 100 odd babes have moved out of the room. We’re now over 200 and I feel crazy that I think this is “at least okay” lol. This is what Nigeria does to you.
I went to take a shower this morning (in the great outdoors again and almost stepped in shit. Literally. Someone took a dump on the floor of our designated bathing area and I almost stepped in it. DAWG I don’t even know when the silent tears started falling down my face. I was just so upset “e reach to cry”.
My platoon didn’t have morning drills because we’re on sanitation duty. That means we have to clean the environment… including the designated bathing area that has now become a part time shitting spot. I felt my soul start ascending to the great beyond at the thought of being designated to that wretched area but luckily I didn’t have to deal with it. I wasn’t really given a job to do and ended up being the designated photographer for loads of people in my platoon using “that thing wey be like video for your phone” … as In boomerang.
My indomie lady stayed true to her word and made some dope akara this morning and it made me miss my dad a bit more so I’m going to try and call him tomorrow so hurrah to NYSC for tightening family bonds.
LOL we had the first of what promised to be many idiotic and wretched lectures today. Some entrepreneur guy spent an hour yarning bollocks about Dangote sleeping 3 hours while we sleep 8 and making sure we don’t just eat and go at a restaurant to get the most out of our money (as in watch tv, use the bathroom etc). He then promised to help us get some major keys to success if we enrolled in his class for a certain fee and something something. Lol. Instead of the guy yonjust come and say “abeg I dey huzzle” talmabout entrepreneur. If I hear…
I’ve realised the hack to surviving this place is doing the minimum in exerting yourself. I’ve found a laundry woman (shoutout to Happiness the baddest around) and someone to help fetch water. Someone called me “madam enjoyment” and I replied in the affirmative. This place is so terrible anything to make my life easier is not something I’ll deny myself.
Also.. Nigerian men need to work on their chat up lines. They’re so so bad. And “angel I’m for you” is not a way to introduce yourself oh. Do better please.