Why I Exist Part 2

Update: After writing my first post — I received an overwhelming response. I am forever grateful because that means people are benefiting from my article. I also learned that I wasn’t the only girl raped that very same night by the very same group of people. For all I care, I consider my “work done”. That person knows they aren’t (and weren’t) alone anymore.

BUT see, God dreams REALLY BIG for us. His dreams are FAR greater than our human minds can imagine. So, I’m charging forward, striving to get closer to His dream for me and my existence. Click here to read Part 1.

Early 2000, I was home one afternoon watching television. I normally would have been at work, but for some reason this one particular day I was home. The Oprah Winfrey show was on and the topic was date rape. Yeah, remember when society finally realized that forcing someone to have sex against their will — even though you were on a date or you knew the person— was in fact RAPE. But for some reason that word was too harsh then so we all called it date rape instead.

As I watched I was feeling an intense amount of empathy. Almost as if I had been through what these other women had been through. After the show was over I sat for hours completely stoic. Something happened…a trigger of some sort and flashbacks of what had happened to me 14 years earlier started flooding into my mind. I started seeing flashes of a room, it was dark and I remember there was a fish tank in the room — the walls the color of the light reflecting from a fish tank — you know, that bluish light. Everything else started to unfold… everything. All of the details. The faces. The weight of their bodies. The voices, the laughing. I felt like I was suffocating. The only thing I didn’t remember and to this day still is any pain. Thank God our brains are wired to forget pain.

I remember it all ending, when someone busted open the door and said “hey, what the hell are you guys doing?” — Thank God, it was over. I was numb, at this point I’m just staring at the fish tank.

Now I’m not really here to dwell on that incident. I think that is enough discussion of that particular incident that changed my life forever. The topic of my blog is about discussing “Why I Exist” and my personal manifesto on why we suffer and how to make it count.

One thing that gives me an incredible amount of comfort every day is knowing that God chose me to experience all of the rough seas that I’ve encountered.

“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me, I once was lost, but now I’m found, was blind but now I see”

You see? I’ve been on this journey to find my greatest destiny…my purpose, my calling for a long while. My journey first started with sobriety, taking full control of my mind, body and soul to overcome my addiction to vodka — which took over my body similar to that of a heroine addiction. (more later on the detrimental effects of drinking vodka)

The incredible journey involved the support from my amazing soulmate (Eric) and my kids, doctors, therapists, church, motivational speakers (like Tony Robbins and Lewis Howes), my pastor and spiritual mentor, Shane Gray. Studying and reading over 100 books on everything from meditation, to building character, to awakening, to learning awesome personal habits, to neuro linguistic programming (incredible science!)…all FROM authors like Brene Brown, Mel Robbins, Gary Vaynerchuk, Gary Zukov, and legendary pastors Tim Storey and Wintley Phipps… to name a few. Some of whom I’ve actually met or will meet within the coming months.

I knew that I couldn’t be of help to others if I couldn’t save myself — which indeed, with God’s unconditional love and blessing — I have.

Why do I exist? Well there is certainly more than ONE reason. But for now, it is to help people demolish their preconceived opinions of themselves, conquer their fear, and build UNSHAKEABLE human character…

Because when you know your at least TRYING to live in the best human character as you can…

You will inevitably fall in love with yourself again,

And when you are in this state of mind and soul,

And you understand that God has big dreams for you,

You too will find the reason YOU EXIST.

And be fulfilled, and “enough”… I can promise you this.

I want to share with the world how I leveraged FAITH and GRATITUDE to begin my journey! Faith really started with having faith in myself — and gratitude got my head out of always thinking I needed “more”. Someday, I will have a platform to help transform millions of lives — I know this with all of my being because God told me so through a vivid dream (more on that later too :) ).

Much Love,


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