25 Days of Mariahmas: 8 Days of Christmas — Destiny’s Child

“On the eighth day of Christmas my baby gave to me a pair of Chloe shades and a diamond belly ring.”

Some people think commercialisation has been the death of Christmas. That the true spiritual meaning of the season has been destroyed, collapsed under the weight of capitalist opportunism.

Those people clearly don’t appreciate the UTTER GENIUS that is Destiny’s Child’s 8 Days of Christmas and there is no hope for them.

This paean to festive gift-giving sees the band rightly wallowing in the tributes offered to them by their partners. On some of the days they get it bang on: day 2 sees a CLK mercedes; day 8 designer sunglasses and jewellery.

Other days he’s a clueless doofus who had better look at his life and his choices. That back rub and foot massage on day 7 shows how quickly he’s running out of ideas. That quality T-I-M-E on day 1 had better be somewhere amazing, like Paris or something. None of that sitting in and watching a film nonsense. And as for that poem on day 5. Dude. NOBODY CARES.

I’m not going to even get into the GIFT VOUCHERS to buy CDs that he proffers on day 3. YOU’RE GOING OUT WITH BEYONCE YOU FOOL (or, at the very least, Michelle Williams), you think she’s going to be happy with a trip to HMV?! Sort your bloody life out.

Notwithstanding, the girls’ evidently decide that it’s the thought that counts (this was back in 2001, when mega-stardom hadn’t quite bitten yet, so perhaps they weren’t driving as hard a bargain back then).

And yet there’s a slow spectre of alienation dawns over the piece. As the gifts pile up, along with the HMV receipts for all those CDs they’ve bought, it’s almost like there’s something missing. They’re left to ask, doesn’t it feel like Christmas? Over and over again. To be sure, “it feels to lovely”, but that doubt remains. Is this it?

I blame that bloody poem. Way to kill the festive spirit, Romeo. All it’s done is make doubt and alienation set in.

Anyway, this was even less coherent than usual, but it’s probably one of the greatest Christmas songs of all time and I’m off to drop hints that I want a “CLK Mercedes” for Christmas (I don’t. I’m crap at parking. I’d want a Ford Ka AT MOST).