Yesterday, Marc stood in as my therapist. We talked about my inability to ever reach full focus, my fears, how my fears turn to sadness. All those topics were interwoven one way or another.
I hate making mistakes. I hate messing up. When I mess up, I get into my head and think it’s the end of the world.
I know. Bad mindset. But I’m glad we defined some things.
Yesterday, I told Marc, after struggling with a beat, “Man this shit is like a battle.”
Almost instantly, he channeled his inner-bearded-asian-zen-man and asked, “Why is it a battle?”
What was the battle? Is it me versus the beat? Me versus my skillset? Me versus my fear of not being good enough? Guess what… it’s all three!
My self doubt has hindered me for too long. I feel like I can go anywhere, but somewhere along this journey I developed this shit mentality. I could easily just say, “I need to change my mindset.” But that’s not how shit works. I need to train my mind. I need to focus and channel my heart and get over my mistakes, however many I make in a row.
I find peace with music. I want to make peace. I’m not there yet, but I’m finding out.