Week 10 Previews
Week 10 Previews coming at you from 20,000 feet above Florida. By the time I finish these I will probably be above Virginia somewhere.
I immediately find myself in a weird position because I am not actually sure how high planes fly above ground, and I don’t have internet to look it up, so we’re sticking with 20,000 feet which could be incredibly wrong.
Jon (6–3) vs. Pish (4–5)
Pish’s ESPN projection is like Cassie Sokol — out of nowhere it is just freakin huge.
Man, that was a really mean first joke of the post, but as long as Cassie never hears it — it’s fine, that’s my rule.
Mike “would be close to divorce if he had ever actually gotten married” Pish has the ESPN check mark everywhere except one of his flexes. Seems like I am the opposite of what I was for the first 25 years of my life — screwed!
We will have a pretty decent picture of this matchup after this glorious Thursday Night Football game as Philip Rivers, Melvin Gordon, and Austin Ekeler are all in this piece. If you know anything about the Raiders defense, you know that they are tough on the run and horrible against the pass — which could not lean more in Pish’s direction here as he has a QB and I have 2 RB’s. That’s one nail in my coffin.
Reaching into the toolbag to grab nail two now… Mark Ingram and Marlon Mack are massive favorites against two of the worst run defenses in the entire league (Ingram vs. Bengals, Mack vs. Dolphins). If those two don’t combine for 40+ carries, I will give Pish my 20th round fantasy baseball pick next year (no I won’t… I thought for a second that a 20th rounder might be worthless enough to lose for a joke, but it’s not, it’s really not).
Davante Adams is back and has one (shitty) game under his belt, so it won’t surprise anybody to see him snatch 11 passes for 200 yards. Travis Kelce has Mahomes back, and the Colts D gets that same putrid Miami team who is now without their WR1 and top 2 RB’s. Their second RB is a white guy not named Christian, I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to win a game when that is the case. It seems like Pish is going to put up a massive score here.
On my side of the ball, I am without Deshaun Watson and Leonard Fournette, and my fantasy football religion made me trade Deandre Hopkins this week. I also have a potential deal to get rid of Fournette that could materialize after I am back on land.
Let me tell you something, flying is eff-wording amazing. I mean WTF. I don’t know how long humans have existed for, but it’s at least like 6,000 years, and just in the last like 50 have we been able to just get up and fly anywhere we wanted. It is really unbelievable that people complain about it, how lucky are we to be alive at this time.
Okay, I guess any generation ever could say that, right? Like people in 1700 could be like man how lucky are we to be alive at a time where we have ships? Maybe in the year 2100 people will be like wow those people in 2020 really had it rough… so maybe my gratitude is a little unfounded, but gratitude is one of the best things you can have so I’m not apologizing for it. Just ordered a whiskey and coke.
My team has as many chargers as my backpack does right now. I didn’t even mention Hunter Henry above when talking about the players in the game tonight, because I am dumb. Melvin, Austin, and Hunter — I cannot believe 2 of those guys are not caucasian. What stupid ass names. My team is full of ridiculously white sounding names, look at this list of guys I’m starting this week:
Josh
Melvin
Austin
Curtis
Marquise (okay, got me there)
Hunter
Marvin
Jamison (could be Irish, right?)
My team is whiter than Microsoft Ignite was.
I really don’t have anybody that stands out and threatens to post a 20+ burg, so I am really hoping for Clint to pull the string on my trade, and/or just some massive luck.
I am like 5,000–50,000 feet closer to God than usual, so I am able to hear Him a little clearer, and He is telling me that while he really appreciates my abstinence and marijuana avoidance, He just can’t justify giving me a win this week — it might blow His cover.
Pish smokes me like a 2008 Marlboro Red in Lee’s backyard [115–90]
Johnson (4–5) vs. Randy (7–2)
I am honestly not sure if these records are right, I am writing naked here. I just took a bunch of screenshots of the boxscores and came in like that.
Randy is a 15 point favorite per stupid ass ESPN, and why shouldn’t he be?
Christian McCaffrey is playing a football game on Sunday which means he will score 20+ fantasy points. He is literally one of the best fantasy players we have ever seen, I’d offer evidence for that but I can’t! Chris Godwin gets the “oh God he is going to win” matchup against the Cardinals, and I’m not sure the rest even matters. Those two are going postal this week like they’re an art history major that couldn’t get a job and had to settle with being a mailman, but then they’ll still brag about how they have health insurance or some shit. Listen dude, we all fucking have health insurance — it’s not that big of a deal.
There are like 2 slots on Randy’s team week in and week out that wouldn’t start on every other team. Tarik Cohen and Jared Cook aren’t very good, but the rest are total yahtzee must-start players. All of this wealth and Randy hasn’t made a single trade or made a single (don’t fact check me on this) big time waiver add? Is he a genius or did he just close his eyes and catch the river nut flush on draft night? Probably the latter, right? I mean you can’t be that bad at 11th grade Physics and still know what you’re doing in any other facet of life.
Unfortunately my brain can’t focus on podcasts while I write things, so I am missing out on a ton of podcasts on this flight, and I’m only 2 matchups in. I am going to accelerate this post by skipping some of the small details… which means I am skipping Johnson’s whole team.
Randy dribbles the proverbial hockey ball down the court and doesn’t even fucking think for a second about passing it to Johnson [127–80]
Clint (4–5) vs. Tony (7–2)
I’m pretty sure Tony’s record isn’t actually 7–2, but again — no way to know.
Patty Mahomes is back, and I am wondering if that dude has to pay extra property tax wherever he lives just because he has the word ‘home’ in his last name — probably. I might be over Georgia by now, so I am going to go out on a Georgia Pines limb here and speculate something big time: what if Mahomes turns out to be like that one Browns white RB that was on the cover of Madden that one year. Just a one-hit wonder. Like what if he sucks the rest of this year and everybody blames the injuries but then he just never plays well again? How shocking would that be? I could see it. It’s hard to love him against Tennessee in his first game back. You have to remember that he really has been super average this year, and you can never know how much of that to actually blame on the injury. If I were Clint, I’d trade him and Saquon for Leonard Fournette and Deshaun Watson ASAP.
Barkley has one of the tougher matchups for a RB in the league with the Jets, who have been very good against RB’s but terrible against the pass — which doesn’t rule out a huge game from Saquon, of course, but does lower the actual expectation (you should really trade him, Clint).
Dalvin Cook-gang, look mayn it’s a hood thang that’s what i’m loved in Brooklayn — has a not great matchup with the Boys of the Cow, but I mean he’s a top 4 RB in the league so it’s unlikely that it matters. Clint and Randy have an unreal dominance of this league, if one of those squads doesn’t win the championship that will be an injustice — but some injustices are great because screw cluck and rudolph.
Mike “18 targets” Evans against the Cardinals lawd have mercy.. how can anybody possibly beat this squad??? Oh wait CHA BOY DID IT LAST WEEK. Cluck’s probably still laying sour eggs after that one! Losing record!! Lmao!!!!
Tony has one of the most interesting decisions to make of the year, although I’m sure he doesn’t have the nads (I don’t wear jeans cause my nads don’t fit shout out Zach Gezo) to bench Wilson for Murray — even though I think he probably should. I want Clint to win this one so I won’t extrapolate on that just in case tony actually takes my football opinions seriously (he shouldn’t).
The two big dogs on Tony’s team right now are Seahawks and they take on the brutal 49ers D on Monday Night.. the 49ers probably haven’t faced an offense as good as the Seahawks, but it’s still tough to imagine those two doing enough to keep up with the ridiculous foursome of Mahomes-Barkley-Cook-Evans.
Clint blows out Tony’s same-birthday candles, [129–93]
Colin (2–7) vs. Paul (4–5)
Nick and Paul are like Lazarus and Jesus — risen from the dead. I nearly had the coffin closed on both of these two, but angel Gabriel has rolled back the tombstone and given them both undeserved life (that Bible reference would be insanely dope if Taylor Gabriel were on one of these teams and doing well this year). At this point, you have to beat Colin if you want to make the playoffs, because he is really the only walk-over team in the league. Can Paul do it?
Well Paul has more checkmarks than a Rachel Walsh Physics Test (she was the valedictorian of our class, Paul). He is projected to win by 38. Yeah, 38.
I sobered up for .2 seconds and realized that the 38 point line is only because Colin hasn’t adjusted his lineup yet. He has Courtland Sutton and Evan Engram in his lineup despite them not playing this week — so that’ll be closer to 25 or so when all is back to normal — but still, this is a massive deficit.
I am feeling decently drunk right now and I’m not sure I’m going to remember writing the rest of this
Colin also has Kareem Hunt in his lineup.. so that is freaking brutal.
I guess fantasy football is like the world economy in some ways — it’s a zero-sum game. By that I mean when one person gains, another has to lose. Clint and Randy’s teams are so dominant that there absolutely has to be a team that is total dust. Take solace in this Colin, it’s not your fault — you’re just a victim of the realities of life. You’re like a black kid that grew up without a dad and a crack-smoking mom, you never had a chance.
Of course, the beauty of America is that even that child has a chance. Not everybody has the same quality of opportunity, but everybody has the same rights. However, in this case, Colin doesn’t have any rights to my favor, cause his team is super butt cheeks and I will pick him to lose by at least 30 here.
Paul outscores Colin by the margin of the difference of average income in Fairfax Virginia vs. Lower Burrell Pennsylvania [120,000–35,000]
Mitch (4–5) vs. Nick (4–5)
I still do have Excel available to me, so I can add up my wins-loss record guesses and see if I’m right.. but I am pretty confident that both of these idiot teams are 4–5.
What a turnaround for Nick. He was 0–4, and now has gone 4–1, despite not scoring any real points until last week! True evidence that God cares about everyone, even the drunkard.
Sounds like Mitch is going to have to sub out Jaylen Samuels with James Conner practicing today, but the rest of his squad is looking pristine for this week. Lamar Jackson ran for 150 yards or some shit against the Bengals last time, and they haven’t gotten any better. You can’t project Lamar for more than 100 yards rushing again… yes you fucking can, Lamar 40 patty guaranteed here. He is the best fantasy QB in the league right now and if you disagree with me than you can slide a hotel key card through your butt ass cause you’re wrong.
Le’Veon Bell has a ridiculously stupid ass quotation mark in his name and that really bugs me. Like how did he fill out his name in bubbles on the SAT? That’s a joke in and of itself, because of course Le’Veon Bell didn’t take the SAT.
Despite the punctuation problems, Bell plays the Giants who he should have a very nice game against, assuming he plays — because he’s questionable! However, Mitch has Bilal Powell in the wings in case he doesn’t, so this doesn’t get much worse even in that bad situation.
Gotta like Mike Williams against Oakland, cousin Robby against the Giants, old man Fitz against the Cardinals, and Nick Chubby in any matchup. Mitch has a nice projection here.
Nick just slid me two starters for nonezo starters, so while that trade will look very good for him next week — it’s a real boon on him this week, as he is forced to start Kenyan Drake and Peyton Barber at RB which is just an 8 point combined score waiting to happen. I mean I’m pretty sure there will be 8+ backup running backs that will outscore these two assholes combined. What a shithouse team Nick has this week. Like brah you don’t have that many points, a loss this week really kills you with just 3 weeks to play after it.. everybody thinks you won that trade today but there’s a real solid chance that it cost you your season. You fucked up Rick!
I can’t see how any team starting those two at RB in a non-PPR league ever wins.
Mitch sends his dragon to transport nick to the dungeon [115–65]
Hahn (2–7) vs. Lee (5–4)
This is the most confident about the records I have been all evening.
Hahn has dudded out so hard recently that it’s made me stop feeling bad for him. Yeah, he’s like second in points scored this year and only has two wins — but that’s what the fuck happens when your defense stops scoring 70 points a week.
Ryan/DJ/Freeman/Kupp/Landry/Mixon are all in brutal matchups this week, and Ryan might not even play, so things are really not looking good for Hahnzarelli. However, looking 6 inches to the right of my screen I see Lee has Goff, Gurley, and Ballage all in tough spots as well! Lee’s team is looking real brutal as well, this could be a total busto matchup.
I really have to pee now but the asian man to my left is asleep and blocking my escape… so I am going to have to hold it because I am not the kind of guy to wake up a sleeping asian man.
I don’t know these teams are both losing real awful this week and they also draw the short stick of me randomly clicking on their matchup last and being kind of out of gas here! Hahn has the actual best players in the matchup with Kupp, DJ, Matt Ryan, and Freeman (Michael Thomas is probably the best, i’ll give Lee that), so I’ll side with him.
Sorry about the weakness! I think I’m almost home!
Hahn goes dancing at McFadden’s and two-steps all over Lee [89–79]