What really gets to me is the way that the time that disappears during the struggles becomes proof that I am somehow lazy. Goals become easy to give up on because if I cared about finishing school I would have done something the year I was dealing with paying off the student loans taken out in my name. Oh, and I never started a band because I am too lazy to learn guitar, not that it took years of begging at yard sales to get one of my allowances IOUs turned into 10 bucks. When I got an amp though I was spending my time building my mother’s dream house so no electricity. Plus my father only liked classical guitar and ignored the intonation controls and instead said it was unplayable and took it back to civilization so my kid sisters could use it as a toy…. It also just kind of turns the volume knob down on life including on taking other people’s behavior — violent ex threatens a third party if you dont get back with her? Well I had better do the right thing, of course when it turns out the guy was actually the person she was cheating on you with getting tricked is no biggy and you still help him move in to her house and sleep on the couch because every time you try to go home to get some sleep without hearing them argue or fuck she accuses you of planning on cheating or of trying to show off in front of her boyfriend to make her look bad. Plus you need to drive him to work so she can get the car back and you don’t have work till later…. Also you are getting to be a drag so go see a shrink but don’t violate their privacy and anyway the Dr feels that you are in need of a wakeup call as you are obviously just spoiled as there is no reason to act so dejected. So you end up on enough lithium to make you shuffle around a soup kitchen and drive the guy your ex is cheating on you to work and her to school after her morning singing along to ‘criminal’ and telling her that she is treating the other guy well and she should not feel guilty about his job not being great…. Also she gives him your keyboard because he has more of a rock star thing going now that you are dressing nicely to impress her parents and your band broke up anyway after she told you that your friends were a bad influence and practice was making you late for taking her out to dinner. Oh and she wants rent for the couch…. Years later you are still telling yourself you never really wanted to do anything music related and she writes to you online to complain that you have gone back to dressing the way you used to and having friend and the sort of girlfriend she felt you should give up proving you never loved her and owe her more rent for that damned couch you slept on instead of getting to rest in your bed….