I started believing I can recover. I constantly struggle with a feeling of hopelessness. I feel like no matter what I do, the struggle will always remain the same. However, I know that this is a malicious thought that needs to be deleted.

I have been obsessing about being “normal”. I scroll through my instagram feed and I see people traveling, enjoying life and living their life. Obviously, I know that many of those people may have their own internal struggles. I saw a post of one guy sitting in the London Eye attraction. It scared the shit out of me. I thought “how can someone be trapped in a little glass cube so high up in the air?”. I don’t know why, but that picture has been haunting me for the last couple of days. It server as a constant reminder of what I am not capable to do. Sometimes I think back on the things I did before I felt like this, before I was afraid. I think that maybe that is all I got, maybe that was just my time and that time is over now.

I am willing to make any changes I can to start feeling human again. I still feel like my brain is broken and the solutions are becoming far more distant as time goes by. Today I stopped taking my antipsychotic medicine. I am suspecting that this medicine is holding back a lot of natural sensations that a human should feel. I see no reason to keep dulling myself with this pill. However, I may be wrong. Maybe my decision will backfire on me and I will have a bad time. If that be the case, I will endure what I have to, but at least I will be able to rule out another factor and focus elsewhere.

I shall keep this topic going and I will update this post as time goes by.

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