Category one includes flight delays. “We apologise for the late departure of the flight” is fair enough. “This is due to the late arrival of the aircraft” is a waste of breath and merely exacerbates the frustration. What the second phrase is adding is that the airline didn’t fail just once, but twice, and it doesn’t give the customer any more information about the cause.

Category two includes politicians and large internet companies issuing press releases when they’ve been caught doing something wrong. In the case of politicians, the apology is usually disqualified straight off the blocks by the use of the word “if”. Simple rule: If your apology includes the word “if”, it isn’t an apology (“I apologise sincerely if I have offended anyone”).

In a similar vain is apologising for being misunderstood. You cannot say sorry for someone else’s interpretation. Either what you said didn’t make sense, or it did. A favourite German expression here involves what politicians call “temporary derailment” — Ah, but you have to forgive him for saying that racist/sexist/outrageous thing. It was just a temporary slip of the tongue — what’s happening here is that an apology is being given for being caught saying what they think.

Internet companies are very good at providing heartfelt apologies for losing a million passwords, spying on their customers, breaking international laws etc. They almost always fail in their apologies by adding the dreaded “your security is our utmost priority”. It obviously isn’t, otherwise the breach wouldn’t have happened. Or by the dreaded American “my bad” — “Look guys, we screwed up, and we’re just as angry about that as you are”. This I call the self-apology.

I remember complaining to a business partner because he hadn’t delivered what he promised. His reply: “I know, how do you think that makes me feel?”

Why can’t you just say sorry?