Sparring Partners

I love argument, I love debate. I don’t expect anyone just to sit there and agree with me, that’s not their job.

-Margaret Thatcher

I was discussing what I look for in an employee. I had just interviewed someone. My ideas were better than theirs, and they taught me nothing about the subject matter they’re a supposed expert on. I like to learn so this was disappointing. My friend agreed by saying “they couldn’t spar”. The idea seems so simple but so true. Everyone I deeply respect in my life, can verbally spar with me at my level.

I say at my level not to be high falutin. I say it to mean sparring with good faith. There are those who are argumentative but aren’t actually sparring. They’re flailing their arms and not playing the same game. There are those who like drama or like to argue for the sake of arguing — this is not that. When we were kids, we had wooden dowels and would try to touch the other person with the dowel. It was similar to fencing… this is also not what I’m talking about. Sparring is about intellectual curiosity and pushing the limits of topics. Winning points some places but getting pushed back and conceding on others.

There are extremely intelligent people who are super non-confrontational and don’t spar… but I think that’s rare. Well, at least that doesn’t correlate with ambition, and it doesn’t correlate with being able to build something. To build something, you need to debate and discuss going back and forth. The discussion topic should be compartmentalized from anything personal. When someone attacks your idea, they’re attacking your idea, not you. Those who have difficulty with this are nightmares in any workplace.

Sparring gives me energy. It’s my most common past time. I spar over text, I spar in person, I spar on the phone, I spar over email. I spar with friends, family, co-workers, partners. My life is mostly composed of sparring… I’m addicted to it. Sparring is the way I come to my world views. I would know a fraction of the things I know today without sparring… sparring led me down roads I never knew existed. It has helped me discover some of my unknown unknowns.

I despise small talk. I don’t care about professional sports, the weather (unless it’s doing something crazy), concerts, or celebrities. If I’m not feeling lazy/exhausted, I always try to replace small talk with banter. Saying something unexpected is fun. I guess you could say sparring is part of banter, but it feels closer to rapport. The same way a well written screenplay has positives and negatives with each exchange of dialogue, the power is constantly shifting. That’s how sparring feels — the seesaw effect where one can metaphorically punch you in the face, and you punch right back.

I did an exercise where I started listing people I deeply respect, and each one of them I spar with. Some are much less abrasive about it, but all those I respect, are masters at sparring. When I think of why I did or didn’t get along with someone, it comes down to if they could spar.

A friend asked me recently how I judged entrepreneurs at a seed stage. How do I know when to invest? I need to have learned something over the course of our conversation. I realize that’s probably a decent heuristic for hiring someone as well. The goal is to hire people better than me at least at the specific role, but at the very least, they should be able to teach me something new. A better answer would have been that they can spar.

I sometimes spar for the sake of it, but other times, even I tire of sparring on certain topics. I don’t think of sparring as anything combative, and I only spar with those who can take it. I view it as fun, but I’ve seen people take it too far and make others resent them. Those on the spectrum have trouble telling when to and when not to spar. Most people don’t spar. It’s feels uncomfortable to the average person, especially those higher in agreeability.

School should be a place for sparring, but I had teachers who didn’t like to be proven wrong… they were the worst. It sounds like students nowadays aren’t allowed to spar as it could be misinterpreted as a personal offense. That sucks.

Sparring keeps you sharp. Maybe too sharp… looking at my past relationships, I won too many arguments. My girlfriends would change their view. Maybe it would have been better to make them think it was their idea… and still win of course. My partners who I had deep feelings for could spar with me. It’s rare… I’ve since found partners I can spar with but only on select topics. To be able to spar with someone on almost any topic… that’s special.