Leadership or Manipulation? Encountering An MLM Recruiter
I recently had the interesting experience of realizing that I was being recruited for a mysterious MLM organization. After realizing that something was up, and chatting with friends, I noticed that many other people I knew had almost identical encounters. A blog post I read highlighted for me what was going on, and how naively naive I was. Intrigued by this world I knew very little about, I decided to document my own experience. Perhaps others can relate.
Here’s what happened.
A Chance Encounter: Ms. N
I met a lovely young lady (Ms. N) in a fancy Starbucks Reserve in downtown Vancouver. She was effervescent, passionate, energetic, flirtatious and attractive. She was dressed in a dark business suit, catching up with a friend after work. We seemed to connect instantly and somehow started talking about leadership, character, gratitude, and a philosophy of life characterized by taking responsibility and doing your best.
It’s not unheard of for me to meet people in coffee shops, as I often spend my time working, thinking, coding, and writing amidst the background din of conversations, upbeat music, coffee grinders, and steamers. And I have had several friendships start out of chance encounters at a Starbucks.
This particular interaction seemed extra positive and…smooth. We clicked instantly and were in a very easy, inspiring, conversational flow. Ms. N mentioned she had a mentor and how much he had changed her life — he was financially independent (since his early 20s), was an amazing husband and father with an inspiring marriage, and he spent his time helping others achieve their dreams through personal development and leadership. In fact he often travelled to conferences, and was a shining example of a loving marriage with fantastic children. He had even purchased a private jet so that mentees could have a fun retreat from day to day life, and could receive exotic coaching time to discover their life vision.
But it wasn’t about the wealth as Ms. N put it, it was all about giving and helping people realize their dreams. She even flashed pictures of his family, the people he is helping, the private jet, and how awesome his life is.
And, she added, I seemed like the kind of person that would be coachable and could be part of what her mentor was doing.
Intriguing.
She mentioned that she was meeting another friend, and we exchanged numbers. I was feeling genuinely energized from our conversation, and felt that I had met someone who was obviously a real connector.
1st Meeting: 5 Years and 300 Million Dollars
I received a really positive follow up text message and an invitation to meet at a different Starbucks in a few days to get to know each other more. I said I’d be down. When I arrived, she was energetically chatting up a group of guys near her table, I patiently waited and she quickly gave me an enthusiastic greeting.
We had another really upbeat conversation, and she was very flattering about my appearance, my character, and said that it was rare that she met people who thought about life the way that I did. Her compliments felt genuinely positive and validating — I do strive to take care of myself, develop my character and grow as a person, so they didn’t feel incongruent to my general life stance.
I found her positivity and directness both refreshing and challenging. Most people aren’t so direct, and I thought that was interesting — perhaps she really had amazing support in her life and was on an exciting life journey. Her directness forced me to be a bit more open than I would be normally, but I thought being more expressive in my social interactions wasn’t a bad thing. I expressed a pleasant intrigue and complimented her on her attitude and energy.
She then shared about how her mentor was helping her build the business of her dreams, so that she could buy an amazing home for her mother, someone whom she felt really deserved a gift like that. She shared that while she had a day job, her real passion was the mentoring she was doing outside of work and the vision she had of developing men and women as leaders through her own “academy”. She had even turned down a job six figure job at the encouragement of her mentor because her vision was bigger and would lead to more than a regular day job.
I have met many people who are life coaches, so what she was saying didn’t come across as weird. I have met people who grow their network, start speaking at groups and build up a business offering life coaching services, often by marketing themselves through a website or social media. Their services are public and you know what you are being charged like any other consulting service.
She left me with an exercise to come up with a 5 year vision — the catch was to imagine that I was told I would die in 5 years, but would have $300 Million to do whatever I wanted with. What would I do?
I was open to stretching my imagination and we made plans to meet up in a couple of days.
3rd Meeting: A Beautiful Vision
On our third meeting (same Starbucks) I openly shared my life vision, and she was very impressed by the detail I put in, and how beautiful it was. She encouraged me to dig deeper into my vision and really get at the heart of what I wanted in my life.
What really spoke to my emotions?
I imagined meeting new people, having more stimulating conversations, and finding ways of contributing to the world in bigger ways than perhaps I have been able to do so far.
She mentioned her mentor several times. She told him about me and confessed that she chatted a lot about me and wanted us to meet. It was like she just knew we would click and had a good feeling about me. I wasn’t very invested in her mysterious mentor, but I did feel honoured that she seemed so excited about who I was. I imagined meeting new people, having more stimulating conversations, and finding ways of contributing to the world in bigger ways than perhaps I have been able to do so far.
I walked her to the Skytrain and was again left with a positive feeling that I had met someone really genuine who was open to chatting about the bigger picture of life and seemed very supportive. We scheduled another meeting.
4th Meeting: The Go Giver
Our fourth meeting was back at the original Starbucks Reserve, and was again, very energetic and upbeat. I didn’t have a whole lot more to say about my vision, but tried to extract some self-knowledge I could share. I started to feel a pressure — like I needed to dig deep, have insights, have something new, exciting and revelatory to share each time we met up.
She mentioned that her mentor was in town and there was an event happening the upcoming Thursday and she would like me to attend. I could meet some great people that I could network with, she could introduce me to some awesome women who would love to meet a guy like me, and…she had been telling her mentor about me. She expressed some hesitancy and said that she wasn’t sure if I was ready — but wanted me to have a clearer understanding of the spirit and vision of her mentor, so she shared several books with me to read before the meeting. I agreed and said that I would take a look. One book was her favourite — The Go Giver and she really wanted me to read that one.
I left the Starbucks feeling pretty positive and energized by our conversation. As I left I noticed a nearby couple sliding in to sit with her. They seemed to be chatting enthusiastically as I left. This girl was busy.
Amidst the materials she gave me, was another book, The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth by John C Maxwell. Being familiar with other John C Maxwell books, and the book available on Audible, I decided to listen to that book. I scanned to the 1st chapter of The Go Giver…but didn’t get back to it by Thursday.
I received a couple of texts over the week checking in on how I was doing with the books, and responded that I was giving them a listen. I was starting to feel like this was homework, not just friendly suggestions around self improvement. Was I supposed to be taking notes? Having revelations? Was there a test? When Thursday morning rolled around, I got a message again asking about the books, and specifically the Go Giver.
I hadn’t read it. Uh oh.
I understood the basic principles of the book and have read many similar books over the years, so I thought that I generally had a sense of the subject matter. I also thought I had been quite open with Ms. N, and that surely my openness was an expression of the quality of my character. She had expressed several times what an amazing person I was.
But…in my gut I knew something was wrong. She wanted to call and chat before the meeting.
The Turning Point
At this point I started feeling off, like I had gotten in trouble from a teacher. When we spoke on the phone, things were again over-the-top positive, but she quickly got serious and questioned why I hadn’t read the book: I had said that I would read it, what was going on with me? Was there something wrong?
I didn’t have a good answer, except that I had felt like reading the other book she gave me. That wasn’t the important book I was told. I couldn’t understand why the Go Giver book was so important, since the principles are the same as most self-help/success parable type books.
I asked if the Thursday meeting was a book club. I had thought it was a networking event, and I don’t usually have to read books before meeting people. It wasn’t a book club, but her mentor was going to lay out the principles and mindset of the organization, so she wanted to make sure that I was on the same wavelength.
She apologized for the mixup in the expectations, and took it to be a “teachable” moment for her that she “took responsibility for”. But she said that I might not be as serious as she thought and she really wanted to make sure that I understood the spirit of what her mentor was about and didn’t want to waste her mentor’s time with people who weren’t serious. I might not be the kind of person who was truly serious about change. She added that she had told her mentor that I was coming, but now it would reflect badly on her that I wouldn’t be there.
That was odd — she was the gatekeeper to this event and the reason I wasn’t going because of a misunderstanding about the book. Surely such a misunderstanding is forgivable and the connection we had been building over the past couple of weeks spoke to my character more than reading a book.
She said there was another meeting I could go to the following week, but I was given the impression that it wasn’t as good somehow. I explained I had previous obligations that week that I felt uncomfortable breaking, but would think about it.
I left the phone call with a strange feeling that I had done something wrong and that I was no longer on the smooth path to being part of this amazing in-group. Instead of the positive, engaging feelings, there was an uncomfortable awkwardness left over from the conversation.
I followed up with a text a couple of days later with an apology for the mix up, and declining the second meeting, but perhaps I could attend a meeting the following month. I figured that if this opportunity was right for me, then the timing would work out with no hard feelings. I don’t like feeling pressured into decisions.
I didn’t hear back from her for over a week, which I guessed was telling.
The Talk
After a week of silence, I received a message from Ms. N apologizing that she had missed my message somehow, but that she wanted to chat to see where I was at. She was very apologetic and couldn’t believe that we hadn’t heard from each other. In the past she was very responsive to texts and seemed to be very on top of organizing her meetings.
I said I would be up for chatting.
Her schedule was quite full, but she said that she could chat in a couple of days. I was flexible — she was clearly the busy one, but it felt like I was being “slotted in” to a calendar. She did seem to always have a full schedule, and seemed to be constantly scheduling meetings with people. I was one of many. Looking back, when we had met, it did seem like I was being slotted in amongst numerous other people. I thought she was a really extroverted, social kind of person, but perhaps we were all recruits or mentees.
We connected over phone and, as usual, things started really “positive”. Things were amazing for her, she had an incredible day and felt so blessed.
I was “good”. I didn’t have any emotional interest in overstating “how good” I was or describing the details of my life that day.
The conversation quickly turned to “So…where are you at?” and it felt like that moment in a relationship where we’re having “the talk” about commitment.
I started asking about what was going on, I had thought that we were new friends who had connected around being positive people — but I was confused because it was like she was mentoring me and our interactions were all about goals and homework, not about getting to know each other. She said that for her, friendship and mentoring were the same thing.
I tried to ask about the “social entrepreneurship” Ms. N was involved with and “what” was it that she was asking me to be involved with? Was there an organization I could look up? Would they help me with a start up idea? What other social enterprises had the organization started?
All my questions were deflected with vague answers about creating a better world through 1 Million Leaders (or “MLM”— the Million Leader Mandate). I asked about a website, but she brushed off the question and just mentioned John C Maxwell. She said that it was like YouTube: through mentoring and content creation, motivated people can do anything and spread a positive message. It wasn’t about money, it was just about doing things you love an recommending things you value. Like…product placement or lifestyle marketing I asked?
She didn’t come across annoyed by my questions, but sort of exasperated, like the questions I was asking were beneath her. If I truly understood the vision, I wouldn’t be asking such silly questions.
She said that I was too concerned with the “what” and wasn’t connected to the “why”. The what didn’t matter and it could be anything. I asked if I would need to pay her or her mentor for coaching. She deflected that as well and said that it wasn’t about money, it was about making the world a better place and doing what you love to help people, and that I didn’t seem to be on the same page about the vision. I tried to ask what the vision was, but beyond “leadership” and “social entrepreneurship” I couldn’t get a concrete answer.
Our conversation ended with the awkward sentiment of — “Well, it doesn’t seem like we are on the same page”. She reaffirmed that I was a really good person who had good character and she would like to be friends, but maybe this path wasn’t for me.
I agreed.
The Network
After sharing this series of conversations with a few friends, I was pleasantly amused that ALL of them had very similar encounters. It felt relieving to realize that the discomfort I had felt in the situation was actually part of a larger pattern in the city that many of my friends had experienced as well:
- One colleague of mine made the same book mistake that I did and was not “committed” enough to attend a Thursday meeting. His contact talked about how much he wanted to buy a car for his dad and how much he wanted to give back to his family. My friend’s lack of motivation to read a Robert Kyosaki book was evidence he didn’t really care about his family.
- A friend of mine in Edmonton mentioned that a few years back when he was out meeting girls, a large number of them talked about mentors, personal development, and vague “opportunities” they wanted him to be a part of.
- A student of mine had been approached by a similar woman, Ms. J, who talked about how much she loved her mentor…Ms. N!
- Another colleague read this article and was surprised that his experience was almost exactly the same, word for word!
While I have been approached about multi-level marketing (MLMs) in the past, they were always product/service based so I had something concrete that I recognized. In this case, the idea of character and leadership was much more inspirational, and also harder to pin down as to what exactly the sales pitch was here. I imagine it would be something like coaching programs, books, and attending self-development conferences. Like how the Go Giver crew sell workshops about a “proven system to attract high-quality prospects and referrals, and close more business”.
I didn’t ultimately make it far enough down the funnel to find out what the pitch was.
Reflections
When I first met Ms. N, I felt engaged, open minded, positive and like I genuinely connected with someone awesome. By the end of our interactions I honestly didn’t know.
Even as I write this now, a day after our last chat — I wonder if there was anything genuine in our interactions, or whether every interaction was scripted to move me through a pipeline with the goals that she had in mind. Goals that I was unaware of.
I wonder if there was anything genuine in our interactions, or whether every interaction was scripted to move me through a pipeline…
This was an extremely mild case. I lost very little time, no money, and aside from agitated emotions, lost nothing else. But it is very unsettling to look back on a series of interactions and wonder what was genuine interest, and what was an act of manipulation for personal goals. There is just no way to know.
- The numerous people she was meeting with — was I just another recruit she was trying to move down a funnel?
- The couple at Starbucks beside us that she was chatting with after I left — was that a training session and was I the subject being studied?
- The very first time we met at Starbucks — was I a target on an average night when her and her “partners“ were looking for recruits?
- The mentor, his family, the private jet — why would she show me personal pictures of them to someone she had just met? I assume they were real…
I have rarely had the feeling of being deliberately manipulated. But here, it was like there was an invisible pressure building up and I had the unsettling sensation of realizing that I was on a conveyor belt, moving toward an unclear destination. My attempt to get off the conveyor belt was met with pressure to keep me on.
I imagine this is a mild example of how many women feel when a man invites them to chat about work and career, and then proceeds make things awkwardly romantic. Sure, she wants to advance her career and improve as a professional, but oh — he’s thinking about something else. This coffee wasn’t really about career development.
That really sucks.
Ms. N was so positive and seemingly upfront that it would be hard to say anything negative about her. She presented a positive worldview that potentially I could be a part of, and that due to what a great person I was would fit right in. And yet, I am left with the uncomfortable feeling that I was being manipulated, and not truly even seen as a person, despite my genuine openness. The positive attitude and words she displayed didn’t match the feelings that my intuition provided.
Upon reflection, it was not so much what she said, but it’s what she didn’t say. I was in the dark about the true nature of our interaction, so while on the surface she conducted herself positively, I was left wondering about what I wasn’t being told. And when I tried to find out, no clear answer was provided.
What is particularly off putting is that the very “product” she is selling — leadership, character, integrity and the like, were being delivered through manipulation. I wonder how conscious Ms. N was of that discrepancy? Or if she was so bought in that she couldn’t see that? Or perhaps the ends justify the means on the ladder of success.
Through this experience, I was however reminded of how grateful I am for the many friends I have in my life who I can trust to tell me the truth, and provide honest advice when I need it — no matter what books I read.
Afterward: The Signs
After doing some research, I came across a post called 7 Tips to help you spot amway/WWDB recruiters in coffee shops. That completely cleared up in my mind what was going on. The following is the list of signs that I experienced interacting with Ms. N that fit a similar pattern laid out in that post:
- Meeting in a Coffee Shop: Other friends also had met at a party or at a meetup. Social spaces and where it is easy to start chatting people up.
- Devotion to a Mentor: Her mentor was a central figure in her life, she dropped hints about his wealth, his generosity, he travelled to conferences, and even knew John C Maxwell personally (but he didn’t like to talk about it). Ms. N had what sounded like daily check-ins with her mentor and wife, and they seemed like family to her.
- Always “on”: Things were always amazing and great. Everyday seemed like the best day of her life. It did come off as genuine and not forced, but I suspect other recruiters might struggle to keep the energy up. This was definitely an early trigger for me, because while I am generally happy, I am not always “on”. I felt I had to keep up and that if I wasn’t having an amazing day, it was because there was something wrong with me and my mindset.
- Vision/Goals Exercise: Imagining your best future, all the things that you can give to your family if you had more wealth, the “freedom” of entrepreneurship, and breaking out of the cycle of a day job. It seems like the vision is a way to find out about someone’s personal worldview, what you could speak to as a recruiter, and getting them emotionally invested in the picture of their success — which the recruiter can help with. When their commitment wanes, you can remind them of their vision and how they are letting themselves down.
- Books: There are several books that are offered to be read, which come from the self-help space. The Go Giver, John C Maxwell and Robert Kyosaki are all books/authors that I was given, and that my friends expressed receiving. Reading one of these books seems to be a turning point to going further down the pipeline and a test of commitment/compliance. If you don’t follow through and really buy in on the book, you are ejected from the pipeline.
- Mentoring/Leadership: The supreme importance of Personal Development, mentoring, coaching, “giving value”, social entrepreneurship, organizational development, and opportunities are all phrases Ms. N used to describe what she was doing. The emphasis is on who you are and your character, not on what you do.
- A Full Schedule of Meetings: Ms. N. seemed to have her days filled with meetings. She met with people before me and after me, and mentioned numerous meetings she was having every day. I felt that I was one person in her rolodex and we weren’t acquaintances getting to know each other, so much as having “meetings”.
- A Mysterious Organization: Ms. N couldn’t, or wouldn’t, give me any clear details about an organization she was a part of beyond the idea of a movement that her mentor was creating. There was no website or public statement of values/mission/goals, so while the sentiments seemed positive, details seemed mysterious and secretive. There was no clear view of how exactly the social entrepreneurship would lead to a living, let alone a life of wealth.
