For the love of God, tell us how you #DoTheDew

Hey social media fans! How do you enjoy the bold, refreshing flavor of Mountain Dew? Tell us with the hashtag #DoTheDew! We’re under XTREME pressure to increase our social engagement, so if you #DoTheDew while kickflipping your skateboard or leveling up your video game character, let us know! Please.

Just like those of you who can’t get enough of the intense citrus flavor of Mountain Dew, we can’t seem to generate enough online buzz to appease PepsiCo CMO Greg Lyons. So tell us how you #DoTheDew! Do you do it while making memes? While binge-watching your favorite shows? To be honest, we’re kind of grasping at straws here. Wait, do you drink it with a straw? Greg really wants to know.

We’ll be here all day retweeting our favorite #DoTheDew responses. All night, too. We just found out all the doors are locked from the outside. Also, one of our community managers is pretty sure she saw Greg in the lobby carrying a baseball bat. So if you love to #DoTheDew with your friends and family, tell us, or we may never see ours again.

There’s no wrong way to #DoTheDew! At home, on the go, or even while barricading yourself in a conference room while your CMO swings around a Louisville Slugger with nails in it he calls “The Dew Stick.” When you’re craving that bold, refreshing flavor, it’s hard to think about anything else, like how you turned down that job running the Canada Dry Twitter account six months ago. I’m going to stick it out here a bit longer, you said. The CMO isn’t that bad, he’s just really passionate about intense citrus flavor and optimizing social engagement. Also, he never blinks because of all the Mountain Dew.

Oh look, @Joshb98 just said he and his friends #DoTheDew while playing Fortnite. Thanks for sharing, Josh! Is that enough, Greg? Can we go home now? We too love the bold, refreshing flavor of Mountain Dew, but it’s been days. Our families are worried. Can we at least have something to drink other than soda? We’re XTREMELY dehydrated. I just went to the bathroom and it looked like Mountain Dew Code Red.

We’re begging you, social media fans, tell us how you #DoTheDew! Greg already shot two strategists with his bright green AK-47 he calls “The Dewishnikov.” He’s going to kill again if you don’t tell us! Do you #DoTheDew at work? At school? Just say something! Please, I have a wife, who repeatedly warned me about working for someone with an arsenal of branded weaponry. Greg’s harmless, I said. He’s just a big second amendment guy. And that whole story about how he drowned the Pepsi Max brand manager in a vat of Orange Vanilla Coke Zero was blown way out of proportion.

The police standoff is entering its second month. We have learned that in addition to being passionate about intense citrus flavor, Greg also believes he can bring about the end of days by finding the one true way to #DoTheDew. Even though the power was cut weeks ago, he forces us to keep typing. How do you #DoTheDew? How about you? Let us know! The black screens mock us with their silence. Some have been lost to madness, others to diabetic comas. The sickening sweet smell of citrus soda seeps from our oily pores. Our stomachs wretch with each gulp of Mountain Dew, our only source of sustenance. I can no longer live with the horrors I have witnessed in the name of bold refreshment. I’ve mixed some cleaning supplies in with my Mountain Dew to make an XTREMELY poisonous cocktail. My only hope is that I can keep it down long enough to do its job.

Some will say I was intoxicated by the power of the Dew. That instead of consuming it, I allowed it to consume me. To my loved ones: Do not mourn me, for I am going to a place far bolder and more refreshing than you could possibly imagine. The end is near, social media fans! I no longer recognize where I end and PepsiCo CMO Greg Lyons begins. I am Greg. Greg is me. We are one, united in bold refreshment, bound by intense citrus flavor.

It is time to #DoTheDew.