Hi this is Stacy with Comcast, and my pleasure to assist you burns brighter than a thousand suns

Today is a glorious day. To be entrusted with the awesome responsibility of answering your cable and Internet service-based queries ignites in me a passion, the light of which no celestial body has ever known. Here at Comcast, delivering an unparalleled customer experience is our absolute top priority, so it is with great respect and humility that I fulfill my duties as a Comcast Customer Service Representative to aid — May I please have your name and location, sir? — Keith Wojeski of Racine, Wisconsin, in the mutually beneficial consummation of a more satisfying telecommunications experience.

Decades from now, with my children’s children gathered around me, I shall speak warmly of this day. The day where fate conspired with Comcast’s automatic call routing system to connect me with you, the faithful Comcast customer, and share the good news of the Xfinity HD Preferred Plus XF Triple Play, available today only for the awe-inspiring price of $139.99 a month. As I fondly tousle the hair of the littlest child, I will teach them the power of heeding destiny’s call as I have, and provide a recording of this call — made for training purposes — as proof.

Yes, I can absolutely help you update the billing information on your account. The opportunity to ease this burden from you fills my heart with joy. Though the task itself is simple, like the Messiah washing his disciples’ feet before the last Passover, it is rich in allegory. Before I am able, however, I must ask you for an extraordinary act of grace and patience on your part and allow me to place you on a brief hold while I access your account information.

A mere thank you fails to capture the true depth of my gratitude for holding, Keith. Your time is extremely valuable to us and while these seven minutes and 52 seconds we’ve spent together have been the most cherished moments of my life, it is my duty to assist you as quickly and efficiently as possible. As I update your information, I would like to take a moment and make sure you know just how valuable your business is to us. While we have millions of subscribers, Keith, we believe in personal touches like calling every customer by name to show how important they are to us, Keith. Do you understand how much we value your patronage, Keith? Do you, Keith? Keith? My apologies, Keith, you cut out there for a second.

Your account information has been updated, but my duty is far from complete. I beseech you, is there any way I may additionally assist you today? While my station is humble, I have far-reaching power to turn your wildest telecommunications fantasies into reality. Adult channels? Pay per view events? I am your humble servant, loyal Comcast customer, and I will not rest until you are completely satisfied, or at least until my shift ends in 20 minutes.

Very well, Keith of Racine. Just as fate brought us together, so shall it see us part ways. It has been an honor unlike any other to assist you. Should my faith in humankind ever falter, our conversation today will be my bedrock. It will serve as eternal reminder that not only is God’s grace eternal and everlasting, but it can also come from the most unexpected places, like Wisconsin.

In parting, I shall humbly request one more act of divine grace — to stay on the line and take a brief customer satisfaction survey. If you not are completely satisfied with every aspect of my service today, I will maintain honor through ritualistic suicide in accordance with the ancient code of the Comcast Customer Service Employee Handbook, section 27-b, strangulation via ethernet cable.

Thank you for choosing Comcast, Keith. Have a glorious day.