I’ve got meetings. So many meetings. I’m in a meeting right now. This is part of the meeting. You are wasting everyone’s time in this meeting. Stop asking me to write a humor article.
Don’t even get me started on emails. Seriously, I need to get started on emails. I have hundreds to go through. Maybe even thousands. Have you ever seen so many emails? No, you haven’t. No one has ever had as many emails to go through as me. Not even Ray Tomlinson, the inventor of the email. Certainly not anyone who has time to write a humor article.
I’m also on a tight deadline. Very tight. If I have to stop even for a second and explain to you why I can’t write a humor article, I’m going to miss it. I just missed the deadline. Didn’t I just tell you how tight my deadline was? This is just great. I am being sarcastic. Maybe you should put that in your humor article.
Hang on, I’m about to jump on this call. Then I’ve got to jump on another call. And then I’ve got to jump over several rows of cubicles to make it to my next call. When you’re jumping from call to call, there’s just no time to write humor articles. And nobody jumps on as many calls as me. Not even Alexander Bell, the inventor of the call, or Isaac Newton, the inventor of jumping.
I’m double booked for the rest of the day, then I’m triple booked for the rest of the night. Then I’m single booked, then I’m double booked again. If someone invented a machine that could clone people, they would surely use it on me first because of all the places I need to be at the same time. And even then, my clones wouldn’t have time to write a humor article.
When my friends tell me I work too much, I tell them that they don’t work enough. Just kidding. I’m far too busy for friends. My daily social interactions are limited to nodding at the receptionist and telling my wife I’ll be home late. When you’re as busy as me, there’s no time for socializing, writing humor articles or going to the bathroom. I use the toilet even less than Thomas Crapper before he invented the toilet. At least I think that’s who invented the toilet. I’m far too busy to look it up.
I haven’t eaten in a week. I haven’t slept in a month. My feet hurt from working at my standing desk. My back hurts from working at my sitting desk. My knees hurt from constantly switching between the two. The carpal tunnel has turned my hands into immovable nubs that I slam against the keyboard and hope autocorrect knows what I mean. I’m no longer able to get an erection, and unless someone scheduled a conjugal meeting, I’d have no time to use it.
Every second of my existence is dedicated to facing wave after wave of unrelenting work accumulated from years of refusing to delegate responsibility, take time off or develop an identity outside of my profession. The thought of doing something as self-indulgent as writing a humor article is not only blasphemous, but terrifying. What if I realize I’ve wasted my adult life going to meetings and responding to emails and jumping on and off of calls? What if my obsession with being busier than everyone else has cheated me out of a happy, fulfilling life? Does that sound like someone who has time to write a humor article to you?
In fact, I shouldn’t even be writing this. I’ve got to get back to work.