HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER

Jonathan Dias
Sep 5, 2018 · 3 min read

pic source: http://www.liverpoolmuseums.org.uk/

(Soundtrack for the article: Free as a bird — Beatles)

Every body has someone they want to knock-off. Even good guys, like me, have daydreams about it. In fact, I have a huge hit list. Man who overtook from the left. Woman who cut in line at the supermarket queue. One or two siblings. Guy who corrects me when I say Wed-nes-day and says wens-day. Screw you wensday guy. You’re on my list. Anyway, if you’ve contemplated murder and want to know how to get away with the perfect crime, here’s how you do it.

Pick a weapon

Guns and knives are so 1995. Get creative. I, personally, would go with my mother’s cooking. One bite of that and if you’re not seeing Jesus, you’re definitely calling out his name. Find stuff in the cutlery drawer. Don’t bother with spatulas and soup ladles. Those are for sexy time. For killing time you need things that are sharp, long and pointy. Like a corkscrew or that thing you use to remove bone marrow. You will never be incarcerated. Mostly because nobody knows what to call the weapon. Ever read a headline that reads “Death by… thing used to removed marrow”? No. You’re free to go. You could also cut the brake lines, but if you’re like me, you don’t know how to find brake lines. Or what they are. Falling piano maybe, if you can time it well? If you don’t have a piano, improvise. Use a drum kit or a flute.

Hide the body

After you’ve committed the crime, you need to find a good place to dispose of the body. Try leaving it at a screening of 50 shades of grey. The audience members will be comatose anyway and your body will fit right in. You could also just chop up the body and throw it out in the trash to avoid suspicion. But remember not to mix it with the dry waste. Just because you’re a murderer doesn’t mean you can’t be a good human who segregates your waste. You could also dump it in the river but knowing how toxic our river bodies are, you run the risk of the victim coming back to life just to get out of the filth.

Get rid of your DNA

Leaving behind fingerprints or hair strands at the location of the murder will immediately make you a suspect. You will need to cover your tracks by hiding all evidence that points to the fact that you were there. And there is only one way to get rid of all DNA you may have left at the crime scene. Burn things. Everything you touch will have to be incinerated. Sat on the sofa? Burn it. Had some tequila? Finish the bottle first and then burn it. Kissed the victim’s granny? Into the flames she goes. It doesn’t matter that she wasn’t at the crime scene and you only met her once, three years ago. Leave nothing to chance.

Pick an alibi

An alibi is someone who can vouch you were with them when the heinous, yet necessary crime was committed. Under no circumstances should you pick your parents. “Was he home at the time of the crime? I don’t know. He comes and goes as he pleases. He never tells us anything. We don’t get any respect from that one. We ask him to do just one thing. Just have the decency to tell us what time he’s coming home. If only he would find a good girl and settle down. But nooooo. Just because we don’t say anything, he gets away with murder.” Ad infinitum.

Just pick a close friend who owes you one.

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