Angel in Hell: A Satire on Thomas Hardy’s Tess of the D’Urbervilles

Angel Clare:

The ranting street corner Calvinist, like Alec D’urberville, makes much of his virtue, by calling himself the worst sinner in creation.

In the way, isn’t that precisely what men do?

We either flaunt our debauchery, or we flaunt our penitence.

At no point, do we escape the trap of making ourselves the center of attention.

When Archimedes said ‘Give me a point, and I will move the world,’ he was doing what every man does.

Remorse and regret are an exceedingly cunning way for the selfish one to mask his faults.

Indeed, it is such exquisite cunning, that most of the time, he fools even himself!

Alec D’urberville: What ho, chaps? Still flogging the batty old bum cheeks then, are we? I prefer to let good old St Nick whip me instead! Still, do carry on, you silly old bugger!

Angel Clare: Alec, you are most unjust. And most ungentlemanly!

Alec D’urberville: Indeed I am, old bean! And what, pray tell are you?

Angel Clare: I am the worst si…

HELLFIRE AND TORMENTS DESCEND FROM ABOVE

Alec D’Urberville: Oh, well dear me! Harrah! Well if the silly old pedant hasn’t gone down in a hail of hellfire and brimstone again! Glory be to Satan! The ugly old bastard certainly knows his own children doesn’t he!

YET MORE HELLFIRE AND TORMENTS DESCEND FROM ABOVE. ALEC ROARS WITH DEMONIC GLEE, AS ANGEL SHRIEKS WITH HYPOCRITICAL REMORSE.