The Married Man’s Guide to Hanging a TV on the Wall

  1. Buy a new HD flat screen TV. I’ve been told that the best TV is the smallest that will fit in the room. However, I prefer the biggest, clearest tv that I can afford. I recommend you do the same!
  2. Wait an undisclosed amount of time (around 3–6 months), whilst your new TV rests on top of a stand, taking up valuable tabletop space.
  3. Finally give in, and buy a handy dandy wall bracket.
  4. Wait another undisclosed amount of time (another 3–6 months), while your handy dandy wall bracket rests neatly against a wall, still in its unopened box.
  5. Decide one day that you have enough time and energy to actually attempt to mount your TV on the wall. Congratulations, you will do something constructive with your day!
  6. Open the box that is now covered in three inches of dust that contains that wall mount you bought all those many days ago.
  7. You bought the wrong size, didn’t you? Of course you did! Go back to the store, hope they have your receipt on record, and buy the correct wall mount.
  8. Once you return home, open the box. It’s time to do this!
  9. Empty out all 435,328 pieces. Make sure to lose at least three pieces that will be critical to you finishing the job.
  10. Try to find the instruction manual. Stare at the single sheet of half-size paper that was poorly translated from its native Uzbek, and try to make some sense out of it.
  11. Frustrated? Of course you are. Just do your best, and eventually you’ll get that thing together!

Now you have a finished bracket. Time to get the wall ready!

  1. Decide where you want the TV to hang. Make sure everything is level, straight, and will be well secure on the wall.
  2. Go and grab your drill. Make sure it’s charged and ready to go. It’s not though, is it? Of course it isn’t. Set the battery in the charger for a couple hours.
  3. You probably have enough battery power to drill the holes you need. You have your drillbit ready? Great! Where you marked your holes, drill away!
  4. Hang the TV on the wall, following the instructions you learned from the Rosetta Stone tutorial you took to understand basic Uzbek.
  5. Admire your hard work. Go and crack a cold one. Turn on your local sports team.
  6. Your wife’s home! Prepare to show off your fine hard work. You’re a man, and you proved it today!
  7. As your wife walks into the room, pay careful attention to her face. It’s glowing with pride, isn’t it? Yeah, you’re the man.
  8. Your wife will actually turn to you, sigh irritatedly, and say “I don’t like it there. Why did you put it there? I actually want it over there!” as she points to a very different location on the wall.

You didn’t ask her before hand where to hang it, did you? You poor bastard. That’s the basic step! “But it wasn’t on your list!” you say? Of course it isn’t! YOU’RE JUST SUPPOSED TO KNOW!

  1. Curse to yourself as you remove the TV from the wall, unscrew the bracket, and prepare new holes for drilling. You probably don’t have enough battery in the drill at the moment, so take this time to have your wife explicitly state where on the wall the tv will go, and then go to your local hardware store for spackle and paint to fix the holes you foolishly put in the wall.
  2. Repeat steps to place the bracket in its correct location.
  3. Congratulations, you’re done! Well, once it passes inspection, that is. Pray it passes inspection. You don’t want to go through this again
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