a 4:09 am burst of Truth

I just spent the day after Christmas lying in bed for 18 hours watching YouTube videos of video games being played by personalities. In addition to this there was about 3 hours of Sherlock Holmes, 2 hours of chuck (which ive seen in its entirety already) and an hour aggregate of eating, mostly left over carbs and candy from my pastry filled holiday. My bed has no sheets, there are dirty dishes and laundry strewn throughout my room. I live in my mothers home, and worst of all I have a school loan for a degree I never earned that I have neglected to pay and is coming default in 3 days time. This is a grim circumstance to say the least. This has been the M.O. for my entire life.

Ignore, play down, disregard, deny, lie.

It hasnt always been this bad, but throughout my life there are these moments where everything I had been working on was scuttled in a face saving attempt — If no chance is actually taken, then no judgement can be made and no hardship can be felt. I never knew this was what I was doing while I was doing it but in retrospect it has always been the case. So what to do? If im to view my life objectively, I would say that I am depressed, and possibly have been my entire life — I am a loser and more specifically I am a coward. It is tough to get anything productive done when you have this sort of life CV looming over you at all times.

But… Alas … even though I may be all these things, even though I may be a complete loser in actuality, I still (thankfully) hold on to the idea that I am not hopeless, nor am I even a poorly created person. Now this perhaps may be naive, But the point I want to raise is that even acknowledging these HUGE flaws in my personality and circumstance, I still somehow harbor some hope for my own future. Maybe I am lucky in that regard, or ignorant.

The one thing that I do know for fact is that all of these troubles have stemmed from a lack of Communication and Honesty. I speak to my parents and my brother, but not about anything real, not about the nitty gritty of my everyday existence, but about the banalities of life. This is also the case with my closest friends. The only person I show a modicum of myself to is my Brother, but as to not burden him with my failures, I am not completely honest with him. Thus I am not honest with myself.

So as an emotional, and grammatically horrid entry to Medium, I would like to present you with the mess that is Jon. Perhaps by speaking these truths to the internet, I can get a swift kick in the ass to bring my shame to a reality and begin the healing process. I see most posts on here about how to make it in this world, and how to get past “maybe” and they are fantastically written and beautifully posed. I read them in my waking hours to try and find something to bite onto, something that will solve the problems with one turn of the mind. But I believe now that this is impossible, that all of these articles to save ones life although anecdotal and inspirational can never actually speak to ones personal plight, and the real differences that can be made is the decision to speak up and out.

So here goes…